judging by your smile, you are holding something back

It's 4:15 AM.

I'm sure there are plenty of morning people, people with long commutes, polyphasic sleepers, coffee/doughnut shop workers, Walmart employees, and Good Morning America hosts who are just waking up; getting ready to start their days.

I'm still trying to get to sleep. Not really trying anymore, obviously. Briefly giving up with the hopes that sudden, uncontrollably narcolepsy will hit me while I'm typing.

I guess I could be revving up for NaBloPoMo in November. I seriously considered doing that last year, but I suspect that deep down in my psyche there's something that rebels against me forming positive habits, and subconsciously forces me to skip a day - just to weaken my resolve. And I'm just not the type of person to feel guilty about that kind of thing. Probably why I've never stuck to a diet or exercise plan for more than 2 days. Really hope my metabolism is still this fast when I'm 30.


Why am I still awake? It could be because of the massive amounts of coffee I drank today. Don't even want to start figuring out the milligrams of caffeine. But it never had any effect (affect? Mrs. Rice would know.) on me whatsoever at 10 this morning when I desperately needed it... no sleep last night either. There's this mosquito (but there must be more than one, because I caught one in midair and squashed it with a vengeance about 4 hours ago) that must be invisible and the size of a small dog that flies around my head pretty much constantly every night. It's the loudest thing I've heard in my life. And I have about 500 bites all over my body, because it somehow can bite through my comforter when it gets tired of biting my exposed arms and feet. Good Lord. I'm mystified.

But! I found a way to at least tune out the sound (even though I still know it's there and biting, and it haunts me) - brilliant iPhone app aSleep. Plays ambient sounds through your headphones to block out mosquito noises. Probably good for studying in distracting places or doing yoga, too. Best 99 pennies I ever spent.

Another possible reason for this insomnia - the weird, 4 hour nap I took today. I started out feeling like my body was probably about to give up and die after being sick for 9 days (I'll discuss that momentarily), and woke up feeling significantly more hopeful, but physically the same. Weird feeling - being happy and feeling like shit at the same time. I don't recommend it.

On being sick: it sucks. But it has been extremely interesting noticing the changes in my mental processes (psych geek =])over the course of the last 9 days (minus Thursday - I was actually feeling pretty decent then). I hopped back and forth between wanting sympathy and telling myself to suck it up sooo many times, and there was a point when I seriously wanted to exact severe physical revenge on whichever poor soul it was who came to school while sick and infected me. Sometimes I wasn't thinking at all - that's hard to do if you're trying. And then there was today, when I was tired of taking drugs and feeling slightly better for a few hours just to crash back into feeling horrible...

Tylenol PM used to be my best friend. Now, thanks to a horrific series of nightmares, I don't think I'll ever have the courage to take it again.


Buh. I should try to sleep again. I have a paper to write tomorrow, and possibly a doctor's appointment. And a babysitting job I'm going to cancel.

But you can't deny that this was a beautiful glimpse at the kind of things that run around in my head when I don't direct my thoughts in one way or another. And that was the censored version.