take my hand, and we'll make it, I swear.

I can't remember ever being this stressed in my life.

I keep telling myself, "this is a good thing - it builds character, strengthens tolerance, teaches patience..."

Whatever. While true, whatever positive things may happen as a result in the future, none of them really help in the moment. Having no time to do anything except work, study, do homework, and freak out about how much work, studying, and homework you have to do sucks hardcore. I don't actually have time to be writing this blog, but I think it helps a little bit - maybe to pinpoint what's really bothering me, maybe just to get it out there so I'm not dealing with this alone.

Like I've mentioned before, procrastination and my tendency to be easily distracted are probably what puts me in these stressful situations, but it does seem like all my professors get together and assign everything to be due at exactly the same time. Conspiracy.

One of the things that is absolutely DRIVING ME CRAZY is how all these psych classes are turning me into a hyper-analytical self-therapist... I pretty much uncontrollably start analyzing everything I say or think while I'm thinking or saying it. It's like there are two voices in my head that are both trying to talk at the same time - unbelievably confusing. My professor warned everyone at the beginning of the semester that this might happen. Didn't tell us how to stop it, however.


So. On stress. I think right now it would be great to have some kind of cathartic, emotional release, like a fit of screaming or some frustrated tears... but instead I'm going numb, and parts of my brain are shutting off so I can't feel anything except frustration at not being able to feel anything. Ego defense mechanism? Maybe, but they're supposed to be unconscious. If anything, I'd call this intellectualization.

Can't shut my ridiculously busy brain off. I used to be able to when I was taking yoga. Now every waking moment it's going over these impossible questions and trying to find solutions. Silly brain, just accept that the only solution is to STOP THINKING and just DO the things that need to be done and not distract me so much. Grr. Inner conflict, much?

I think there's a big part of me that has trouble accepting helplessness - I'm pretty strong and independent (or so I'd like to believe), so I should be able to do anything, right? I think so. But I can't wrap my head around the fact that certain things are outside of my control.

I know other people have been here (I'm starting to wonder if this is how all the LCA Western Civvies felt during senior year) - what do you do? I really can't spare any time for relaxing things like knitting, spinning, watching movies... is there just a certain state of mind I should aim for?


Well. My lunch (which is also going to have to count as breakfast and dinner until I can eat after my 6:30-9 class) has finally sunk in so I don't feel on the verge of passing out. Back to work.