take my hand, and we'll make it, I swear.

I can't remember ever being this stressed in my life.

I keep telling myself, "this is a good thing - it builds character, strengthens tolerance, teaches patience..."

Whatever. While true, whatever positive things may happen as a result in the future, none of them really help in the moment. Having no time to do anything except work, study, do homework, and freak out about how much work, studying, and homework you have to do sucks hardcore. I don't actually have time to be writing this blog, but I think it helps a little bit - maybe to pinpoint what's really bothering me, maybe just to get it out there so I'm not dealing with this alone.

Like I've mentioned before, procrastination and my tendency to be easily distracted are probably what puts me in these stressful situations, but it does seem like all my professors get together and assign everything to be due at exactly the same time. Conspiracy.

One of the things that is absolutely DRIVING ME CRAZY is how all these psych classes are turning me into a hyper-analytical self-therapist... I pretty much uncontrollably start analyzing everything I say or think while I'm thinking or saying it. It's like there are two voices in my head that are both trying to talk at the same time - unbelievably confusing. My professor warned everyone at the beginning of the semester that this might happen. Didn't tell us how to stop it, however.


So. On stress. I think right now it would be great to have some kind of cathartic, emotional release, like a fit of screaming or some frustrated tears... but instead I'm going numb, and parts of my brain are shutting off so I can't feel anything except frustration at not being able to feel anything. Ego defense mechanism? Maybe, but they're supposed to be unconscious. If anything, I'd call this intellectualization.

Can't shut my ridiculously busy brain off. I used to be able to when I was taking yoga. Now every waking moment it's going over these impossible questions and trying to find solutions. Silly brain, just accept that the only solution is to STOP THINKING and just DO the things that need to be done and not distract me so much. Grr. Inner conflict, much?

I think there's a big part of me that has trouble accepting helplessness - I'm pretty strong and independent (or so I'd like to believe), so I should be able to do anything, right? I think so. But I can't wrap my head around the fact that certain things are outside of my control.

I know other people have been here (I'm starting to wonder if this is how all the LCA Western Civvies felt during senior year) - what do you do? I really can't spare any time for relaxing things like knitting, spinning, watching movies... is there just a certain state of mind I should aim for?


Well. My lunch (which is also going to have to count as breakfast and dinner until I can eat after my 6:30-9 class) has finally sunk in so I don't feel on the verge of passing out. Back to work.

you know, you know, no, you don't, you dooon't.

Aw, hell. This isn't a knit blog.

I know I might have said it was a few times, and I know a good number of you who read this are knitters (ha! I see via flickr pro that 7 people were interested enough in my Fibbonaci Frequency hat to click the link from here :) I'm so popular.), but this is really just an outlet.

I've realized I love writing. I've known for a good long while, of course, what with all my success in english and journalism classes, but then for about a year I was writing nothing but boring government/history/literary analysis essays... mostly about things I really couldn't care less about.

Now that I'm in some classes that I'm really passionate about, I'm inspired to write about them. And other things, things that matter to me; I want to share them somehow, even if no one cares about them as much as I do.

I still try to be discreet - I have a paper and ink journal that I write the really personal stuff in (though admittedly, not very frequently) - and not mention names or details. I know I get a bit uncomfortable sometimes when I read about myself on other blogs...


So, as for the future of this blog - the content is going to change as my interests change. And I definitely anticipate staying interested in knitting for a good long time, so it very well may remain primarily a knit blog. Just thought I'd clear things up in case any of my seven knitters were disappointed at the recent lack of yarn.

Oh, and I got the barista job! It's what I really wanted, anyway. I'm still not grown-up enough to make the sensible choice - I just want to have fun and drink coffee right now :)

tuesday morning, in the dark - I was finding out who you are

Hmm. 4:30 am, not sleepy. Time for another one of those weird, deep-ish thought explosions.

The primary reason I'm still awake is my essay I'm writing for Psych of Personality. I definitely wasted my weekend (but had quite a bit of fun in the process) that was supposed to be devoted to studying for the scary Abnormal Psych exam I have to take by Thursday, and it wasn't until late Sunday night that I even remembered this essay was due. And I'm usually so good about getting these things on my iCal to-do list. Getting them on there, yes. Doing them before they're due, not so much.

On Personality Theory - I'm loving the class; the prof. is a genius, we have great class discussions, and the subject itself is absolutely fascinating, but...

I'm not sure I can deal with the massive amounts of mandatory introspection involved in the assignments. As I'm writing this 6-volume novel of an essay about my results from the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Test (take it - I'd love to see your results and thereby get to know you way better), I realize there's a lot about myself that I never really wanted to know.

I'm all for learning about what makes other people tick, but I hate having to explain myself to other people. Maybe because it means explaining myself to myself first. And if I do manage to dig that deep into the inner workings of my psyche, it sounds vain or self-absorbed when I put it into writing. Could I possibly just be vain and self-absorbed? Let's not go there.

Can vanity really exist if you consciously recognize it in yourself? Or is it one of those catch-22 things like humbleness (if you consider yourself to be a humble person, you're bragging and thus not being humble)?


Job interviews - what on earth do you say when they ask you to name three bad things about yourself?

"I work too hard."

"I'm a perfectionist."

"My right eyebrow is slightly higher than my left."


I'm becoming more and more convinced that I have ADD. That would explain a lot. Every single time I do homework, I spend a ridiculous amount of time doing absolutely everything imaginable except homework. It's a miracle I ever finish anything. My ability to procrastinate is truly impressive. I'm impressed, at least. I'm kind of proud of it, actually.


Now I'm tired.

The Death Hat Always Knocks Twice.

I think a lot of people don't realize it, but knitters are totally badass.

There's Madame Defarge, from Tale of Two Cities fame; the domiKNITrix, a true mistress of the yarn and needles... and then there's me, of course.



my finished Fibonacci Frequency hat for HA2

- my Therapi arrived just in time, so I used that instead of the merino. Gotta say, I wasn't too impressed with it for $10 a 110 yard skein. It had a good number of knots (it was knotty. you know what we do to knotty yarns, don't you?), and knit up it bears an uncanny resemblance to Simply Soft ($2 for 315 yards)... the made-from-jade part is still pretty cool, but I'm still probably not going to buy it again.

So! It's in the mail - should arrive to kill its target before 3 tomorrow (spent an arm an a leg on postage. but at least I'll still have my arms and my legs, which is more than I can say for my unlucky victim).

Now there's nothing left to do but wait... and check the mail every day in fear.


In other news, I've had some surprisingly good luck on the job-hunting front. I had an amazing interview for a receptionist position with a random company that was recruiting on campus, and they're supposed to call today. AND the coffee shop I applied at a few weeks ago and had kind of given up on called me this morning to set up an interview on Monday.

So I have a bit of a dilemma. The receptionist job is not very appealing to me (expect for the salary, the potential for career advancement, the benefits, and how good it'll look on my resume) - I'm afraid it'll be a bit of a The Office situation (though the boss seems about 100 times more competent than Michael), and I'd be Pam of course. And I really have no need for yet another Pam/Jim-type relationship, which is clearly inevitable if I become the office receptionist/art student. But still. Lots of benefits.

And then there's Escape, basically the coffee shop in Allen. I'd be around coffee all day (that's almost enough to sell me by itself), be able to see friends, dress more casually, get free coffee, have more varied shifts (I think the receptionist job is your basic 9-5), and... did I mention coffee? Downsides are the lower pay, the early mornings, and the possibility of having to deal with people I don't like who live in the neighborhood (I swear, everyone and their mother goes to this place). But... I've been dying to be a barista for years now.

So I really don't know. But neither of them have made legitimate offers yet, so it may work itself out in the end.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer Hat Attack

I just got my assignment for HA2... I'm ridiculously excited. I have actually been swatching to prepare for this thing because I didn't order Therapi in time (it'll probably show up tomorrow afternoon, but I'm hoping to be halfway done by then - knitting alllll night), and have to rely on my respectably-sized stash for a yarn substitute. I'm going with some Knit Picks Wool of the Andes Worsted I bought ages ago.

And all this swatching combined with the slightly cooler weather (thanks, Ike) has started my fingers itching to knit, spin, and crank out a few million hats/mittens/scarves. I found some random wool single I spun up forever ago and plied it...



...and that inspired me to buy some more roving. Etsy is down right now, or I'd steal a picture of it - it's some amazingly-fluffy looking black and white merino from WhimzyPinzy. Yayy for self-bought early birthday presents!

Unfortunately, that, along with the Therapi ($10 a 50 gram ball... but it's made from jade. that's just too awesome to pass up) has completely depleted my knitting-related budget for a while. I'm only working two or three hours a week at the moment, but I've applied at a few places that I'm still waiting to hear back from. My savings are getting dangerously non-existent. I may stoop to serving fast food soon. It's really that bad.

judging by your smile, you are holding something back

It's 4:15 AM.

I'm sure there are plenty of morning people, people with long commutes, polyphasic sleepers, coffee/doughnut shop workers, Walmart employees, and Good Morning America hosts who are just waking up; getting ready to start their days.

I'm still trying to get to sleep. Not really trying anymore, obviously. Briefly giving up with the hopes that sudden, uncontrollably narcolepsy will hit me while I'm typing.

I guess I could be revving up for NaBloPoMo in November. I seriously considered doing that last year, but I suspect that deep down in my psyche there's something that rebels against me forming positive habits, and subconsciously forces me to skip a day - just to weaken my resolve. And I'm just not the type of person to feel guilty about that kind of thing. Probably why I've never stuck to a diet or exercise plan for more than 2 days. Really hope my metabolism is still this fast when I'm 30.


Why am I still awake? It could be because of the massive amounts of coffee I drank today. Don't even want to start figuring out the milligrams of caffeine. But it never had any effect (affect? Mrs. Rice would know.) on me whatsoever at 10 this morning when I desperately needed it... no sleep last night either. There's this mosquito (but there must be more than one, because I caught one in midair and squashed it with a vengeance about 4 hours ago) that must be invisible and the size of a small dog that flies around my head pretty much constantly every night. It's the loudest thing I've heard in my life. And I have about 500 bites all over my body, because it somehow can bite through my comforter when it gets tired of biting my exposed arms and feet. Good Lord. I'm mystified.

But! I found a way to at least tune out the sound (even though I still know it's there and biting, and it haunts me) - brilliant iPhone app aSleep. Plays ambient sounds through your headphones to block out mosquito noises. Probably good for studying in distracting places or doing yoga, too. Best 99 pennies I ever spent.

Another possible reason for this insomnia - the weird, 4 hour nap I took today. I started out feeling like my body was probably about to give up and die after being sick for 9 days (I'll discuss that momentarily), and woke up feeling significantly more hopeful, but physically the same. Weird feeling - being happy and feeling like shit at the same time. I don't recommend it.

On being sick: it sucks. But it has been extremely interesting noticing the changes in my mental processes (psych geek =])over the course of the last 9 days (minus Thursday - I was actually feeling pretty decent then). I hopped back and forth between wanting sympathy and telling myself to suck it up sooo many times, and there was a point when I seriously wanted to exact severe physical revenge on whichever poor soul it was who came to school while sick and infected me. Sometimes I wasn't thinking at all - that's hard to do if you're trying. And then there was today, when I was tired of taking drugs and feeling slightly better for a few hours just to crash back into feeling horrible...

Tylenol PM used to be my best friend. Now, thanks to a horrific series of nightmares, I don't think I'll ever have the courage to take it again.


Buh. I should try to sleep again. I have a paper to write tomorrow, and possibly a doctor's appointment. And a babysitting job I'm going to cancel.

But you can't deny that this was a beautiful glimpse at the kind of things that run around in my head when I don't direct my thoughts in one way or another. And that was the censored version.

you've seen the difference, and it's getting better all the time

mix tapes!! confession - I wasn't actually born until after the heyday of the mix tape, but I have made and distributed many a mix cd in my time. I found the amazing Mixwit via the also amazing KnitXcorE, and was inspired to throw together a quick compilation of feel-good 80's (and some that are just 80's-sounding) love songs.

k, thx, bai.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life... and I'm feelin good.

You guys were so right.

Blocking the hell out of that mitten made it absolutely beautiful. I should never have doubted one of the most basic of the ancient rites of Needlecraftery. I'm sorry. And I definitely haven't taken an after picture, nor have I photo'd the other projects I've been working on. Just trust me - they're all incredible, as usual.


Speaking of incredible.

My many hours spent choosing professors and organizing my schedule have not left me disappointed. Though not actually incredible, thanks to various unrelated, outside factors, my classes have been very promising so far.

Psych of Personality/Abnormal Psych - THANK YOU, RateMyProfessors.com. I took a big risk taking the same guy for two classes, but I'm not sorry. He's so laid-back and casual, but at the same time has a deep sense of professionalism and serious control of the classroom. Annnd he knows my name and looks deep into my eyes - almost into my soul - when I'm talking...

ahem.

And of course there's the obligatory bitch who insists on letting everyone know exactly how disgusting she thinks people with tattoos and piercings are and "lyke, omg, they're so nasty, I don't even knooooowww how anyone could dooo anything like that to their bodies and they must be totally messed up and psychotic to put poison in their bloodstream and mutilate themselves and ZZOOOMG! girl next to me, is that a nose ring??? omigod, what were you thinking, do you really just hate your body that much that you would mistreat it like that??"

On a good day, I want to strangle her. On a day like today, I had to flip her off with both hands under the desk. Hon, we all have our own opinions, and a debate (though on a completely unrelated subject) is actually a great and appropriate time to voice them, but if you happen to be blonde and stupid and have a abnormally squeaky voice, don't sit next to someone with a fever and massive sinus congestion and expect to live.

But, lo; the wonderful Professor L. is quick to get the discussion back on track without offending anyone or allowing any violent fights to break out. Yayy :)


Intermediate Spanish I - interesting class, with a good number of what I presume are "continuing education" students, ages 40-75, and kids who took Beginning Spanish II from the same prof. last semester. La Maestra is rather eccentric, consistently 10-15 minutes late, and tends to mostly call on her pet students from previous classes (I suspect it's because theirs are the only names she can remember). Normally, all these things would seriously annoy me in a professor, but for some reason I don't mind them coming from her. Maybe it's because she's hilarious. Or maybe it's because the only time she did call on me, she gave me a huge ego-boosting complement on my accent.


2-D Design - Ahh. This class awakens the long-dormant artist inside my soul. The first time I walked into the room I gave a huge, involuntary sigh and got a beautiful feeling of everything being right with the world. Artgasam.

The lighting is amazing, the ceilings are high, the tables are rotating, the chairs are comfy - in short, the room alone is the polar opposite of the prison-like image I usually associate with school and academia. The instructor is shockingly young, and probably in her first or second year of teaching. She's only given one lecture so far, so I can't form much of an opinion on how qualified she is, but at least her slight drawl (which normally realllly irratates me - a side effect of growing up with some hardcore rednecks in rural Alabama, I guess?) is more endearning than annoying.

Most importantly, it's giving me some time to actually sit down and create something. I'll be honest - spending two and a half hours in the same class is rather tough, but I've only had to actually stay the whole duration once. I had already finished my project when I came to class today, so I just drew penguins and owls for about an hour, until Teach came over to look at my progress and told me I could go if I was quiet and didn't let anyone see me leave :)


So my education is progressing quite nicely, and I usually get to see a friendly face in or on the way to every class. It's pretty wonderful. Not seeing a whole lot of opportunity for in-class knitting, but I may be able to work something out with my Psych professor.