13.

It's another one of those days... at school from 9:30 AM until 9:00 PM. Not a lot of chance for a break for lunch/sleep/sanity. I do plan on skipping Spanish - to study for the test I mentioned earlier.

Next year, when I remember to schedule myself a good, long 1.5 hour lunch break, I'm going to go down to the cafeteria every day. On Tuesday Spanish was canceled and I got to have lunch with my awesome class-skipping buddies, and had an amazing sandwich... I have dreams about sandwiches like that one. When I sleep, that is. Which isn't often. Ciabatta bread, pesto mayo, tons of turkey, bacon, and swiss cheese... beautiful.

Seeing as I'm pretty stuck on the lower rungs of Maslow's hierarchy of needs at the moment (food & sleep), I'll save my discussion on self-actualization for later.

Chau.

take my hand, and we'll make it, I swear.

I can't remember ever being this stressed in my life.

I keep telling myself, "this is a good thing - it builds character, strengthens tolerance, teaches patience..."

Whatever. While true, whatever positive things may happen as a result in the future, none of them really help in the moment. Having no time to do anything except work, study, do homework, and freak out about how much work, studying, and homework you have to do sucks hardcore. I don't actually have time to be writing this blog, but I think it helps a little bit - maybe to pinpoint what's really bothering me, maybe just to get it out there so I'm not dealing with this alone.

Like I've mentioned before, procrastination and my tendency to be easily distracted are probably what puts me in these stressful situations, but it does seem like all my professors get together and assign everything to be due at exactly the same time. Conspiracy.

One of the things that is absolutely DRIVING ME CRAZY is how all these psych classes are turning me into a hyper-analytical self-therapist... I pretty much uncontrollably start analyzing everything I say or think while I'm thinking or saying it. It's like there are two voices in my head that are both trying to talk at the same time - unbelievably confusing. My professor warned everyone at the beginning of the semester that this might happen. Didn't tell us how to stop it, however.


So. On stress. I think right now it would be great to have some kind of cathartic, emotional release, like a fit of screaming or some frustrated tears... but instead I'm going numb, and parts of my brain are shutting off so I can't feel anything except frustration at not being able to feel anything. Ego defense mechanism? Maybe, but they're supposed to be unconscious. If anything, I'd call this intellectualization.

Can't shut my ridiculously busy brain off. I used to be able to when I was taking yoga. Now every waking moment it's going over these impossible questions and trying to find solutions. Silly brain, just accept that the only solution is to STOP THINKING and just DO the things that need to be done and not distract me so much. Grr. Inner conflict, much?

I think there's a big part of me that has trouble accepting helplessness - I'm pretty strong and independent (or so I'd like to believe), so I should be able to do anything, right? I think so. But I can't wrap my head around the fact that certain things are outside of my control.

I know other people have been here (I'm starting to wonder if this is how all the LCA Western Civvies felt during senior year) - what do you do? I really can't spare any time for relaxing things like knitting, spinning, watching movies... is there just a certain state of mind I should aim for?


Well. My lunch (which is also going to have to count as breakfast and dinner until I can eat after my 6:30-9 class) has finally sunk in so I don't feel on the verge of passing out. Back to work.

tuesday morning, in the dark - I was finding out who you are

Hmm. 4:30 am, not sleepy. Time for another one of those weird, deep-ish thought explosions.

The primary reason I'm still awake is my essay I'm writing for Psych of Personality. I definitely wasted my weekend (but had quite a bit of fun in the process) that was supposed to be devoted to studying for the scary Abnormal Psych exam I have to take by Thursday, and it wasn't until late Sunday night that I even remembered this essay was due. And I'm usually so good about getting these things on my iCal to-do list. Getting them on there, yes. Doing them before they're due, not so much.

On Personality Theory - I'm loving the class; the prof. is a genius, we have great class discussions, and the subject itself is absolutely fascinating, but...

I'm not sure I can deal with the massive amounts of mandatory introspection involved in the assignments. As I'm writing this 6-volume novel of an essay about my results from the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Test (take it - I'd love to see your results and thereby get to know you way better), I realize there's a lot about myself that I never really wanted to know.

I'm all for learning about what makes other people tick, but I hate having to explain myself to other people. Maybe because it means explaining myself to myself first. And if I do manage to dig that deep into the inner workings of my psyche, it sounds vain or self-absorbed when I put it into writing. Could I possibly just be vain and self-absorbed? Let's not go there.

Can vanity really exist if you consciously recognize it in yourself? Or is it one of those catch-22 things like humbleness (if you consider yourself to be a humble person, you're bragging and thus not being humble)?


Job interviews - what on earth do you say when they ask you to name three bad things about yourself?

"I work too hard."

"I'm a perfectionist."

"My right eyebrow is slightly higher than my left."


I'm becoming more and more convinced that I have ADD. That would explain a lot. Every single time I do homework, I spend a ridiculous amount of time doing absolutely everything imaginable except homework. It's a miracle I ever finish anything. My ability to procrastinate is truly impressive. I'm impressed, at least. I'm kind of proud of it, actually.


Now I'm tired.