you've made it through the direst of straights, alright.

it's over.

actually, not quite, I have one last final tomorrow at 11:30, but I'm not worried/don't care. it's going to be breezy. and then it will be done.

last night, while sitting at the bar of my (2nd) favorite coffee shop, it hit me that I had nothing to work on - no tests to study for, no papers to write, no symptoms of depressive or manic episodes to memorize... it was a weird feeling.

it's like the world is brand new, and I finally get to go enjoy it. freedom is so beautiful.

I'm so inspired - coffee tastes better, the air smells crisper, the sun is brighter... I want to draw, paint, build, create.


hopefully within the next few days I'll get around to photographing some of the projects I've done in Design this semester... and then do some more from my own inspiration.

okay, bye. ❤

21. (video blog!)

ahem. so I had a slight breakdown about this pending "vacation". very uncharacteristic of me, actually, but not unreasonable considering the just completely laughable amounts of stress I've been putting on myself lately. I was at the point where I wanted to find a way to refund my ticket and stay at home by any means necessary. I'm much better now, I promise. but to convince/distract myself, I had to make a video blog. it's a work of art, really. my eyes are even closed on the first frame... I had to start somewhere.


Colombia: antes de irme from Olivia Regester on Vimeo.

20.

If this absolutely ridiculous semester has done anything for me, it has inflated my confidence in my ability to write on a deadline - to the point where I convinced myself that I could fit my film analysis paper into my schedule somehow today... when I really should have done it yesterday.

So, that's what I'm doing tonight for the next 3 hours. Then, packing, maybe sleeping, and leaving the house at 4 am to hop a plane to Colombia! I may update from the airport tomorrow - if I'm not completely catatonic.

19.

About to go into work, and I realize I probably won't be home until after midnight, so this will be quick.

Tomorrow's my last day before 10 days of Colombia... I'm looking forward to it, but I'm sure I'll end up doing homework at every spare moment :(

I'm crossing my fingers that I'll be able to use my phone and find a place to use the internet, because ten days without some contact with my people back home could be a little hard to do.

hasta manaña.

18.

I'm paying my little sister to finish my art project for me.

Shhhh. Don't tell.

17.

So for the Life Script project I've been working quite dutifully on today, yesterday, and the day before, I am required to list things that make me happy. And once I got started, I couldn't stop.

1. life.
2. drinking very good, snobby coffee slowly; savoring the flavor and trying to pick out all the different notes and nuances.
3. listening to music - shallow, feel-good 80's rock, and deep, insightful indie. both do it for me.
4. having something to believe in.
5. making really good coffee for people at work and having them really appreciate it.
6. taking time to relax; do nothing, without worrying about responsibilities and deadlines.
7. naps.
8. being clean and having hair that smells good.
9. driving fast when I'm not really in a hurry.
10. little kids that get ridiculously excited when they're about to eat their doughnuts.
11. long, warm, sincere hugs.
12. soft, slow kisses.
13. learning.
14. laughing.
15. caffeine.
16. lying in the grass with the sun on my face. as long as there are no bugs.
17. making fun of other people's ugly sunglasses. even though mine are ridiculous too.
18. knitting. especially with soft alpaca yarn.
19. giving presents.
20. getting presents.
21. dumping my piggy bank into the Coinstar machine and getting $100 or so out.
22. watching beautiful movies.
23. finding people to have "ohmigosh - you too?" moments with. kindred spirits.
24. this is a cheap one, but getting A's.
25. eating tons of chocolate chip cookies without thinking about how many calories are in each.
26. getting "good morning :)" text messages at the beginning of long days at work.
27. freedom.
28. moments of absolute peace and clarity (haven't had one of those in a while).
29. cute boys that make your knees weak and your stomach fluttery and your hands shaky.
30. thinking about all the things I could to with my future.
31. remembering happy things from my past.
32. bossing people around.
33. my wonderful, wonderful MacBook.
34. making lists that I can check things off of right away.
35. taking pictures - more so, looking through old pictures I've taken.
36. being different.
38. being liked for just being me - and feeling safe enough to be honest about who I am.
39. having interesting bruises or other wounds to show off to people. weird, yes.
40. my bestie.
41. my favorite barista. (these last two really should be closer to the top of the list)
42. cool librarians!
43. taking advantage of free things.
44. figuring things out. or getting close.
45. simplicity.
46. beating boys at video games.
47. taking everything out of my purse, cleaning it, and putting everything back in.
48. anything sugary, chocolatey, or otherwise sweet, really. I'm honestly not that discriminating.
49. speaking spanish! or trying to speak any other foreign language.
50. sneezing, when I'm not sick and don't have allergies. another weird one.
51. shocking people who don't know me that well with uncharacteristically filthy remarks.
52. ending sentences with commas, (it keeps people guessing, and,
53. stretching. all yoga-like.
54. working hard - physically or mentally - and getting rewarded for it (even if it's just a good feeling that comes from helping people out who appreciate and deserve it).
55. identifying my imperfections and coming to terms with them.
56. letting go of people in my life who do nothing but drag me down every time I talk to them.
57. replacing those people with new people who inspire me.
58. traveling without a strict plan or schedule... road trips.
59. making subtle references to song lyrics and having other people get it and respond with more lyrics.
60. screaming, sometimes.
61. shoes. oh dear Lord.
62. dressing nice. wearing a dress, heels; possibly stockings?
63. drinking just a teeeensy bit of wine.
64. doing stupid things with my guy friends. they're the best.
65. having long, insightful conversations with people who are trying to understand life, just like I am. not people who think they already know all there is to know about life and just want to make you see it their way.
66. andy samberg.
67. pomegranate juice.
68. people with accents. not southern, though. okay, sometimes.
69. being comfortable. this is a big one.
70. changing people's perspectives.
71. laughing at my own stupidity.
72. writing long essays single-spaced, then changing it to double space and having twice as many pages done.
73. leather couches.
74. camping out in the backyard - close enough to the house to be able to come inside if it gets too cold/too outdoorsy.
75. living.

16.

I realize it has been less than 7 hours since my last post, but I'm doing another one anyway. I really should devote as much of tomorrow (today) as I can to working on projects.

I was talking with one of our regulars tonight about school, life, jobs, etc., and he was telling me about how he took a few years to just live in other countries, backpack in places that are off the beaten track, and basically just soak in culture. I want to do this so badly - I wonder if it's even possible for me to do it, though. I gather (from the fact that this guy is went to a pretty prestigious university, is well-dressed, well-groomed, unemployed, and not actively seeking work) that money was not a huge issue in his case. But it definitely would be in mine.

Also, I think I should probably satisfy a good deal of my wander-lust before I settle down, buy a house, raise a family... still not sure by what age I want to do that, but I can foresee the difficulties of globetrotting with all those obligations weighing me down.

But then, I do want my kids to be bilingual. If not trilingual.

I also want to marry Bruce Willis, but I'm not sure how good my chances are there, either.

15.

Oh my. Sleep is good. I suggest you go get some immediately.

I did. And my outlook on life has improved drastically.

I don't actually have any less stress, any more time. But my body says thank you. It also says "quit eating free doughnuts and ruining your kidneys with all that coffee."

But mostly "thanks for the sleep."

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

14.

Ahh, this is ridiculous.

I'll put it into writing so may seem like less of a massive flood of stuff to do. Or it may seem like more. Either way, organization should help?

Due Monday:

1) study for another ridiculous Abnormal Psych exam. After I took the last one, I passed out on the floor of the testing center. It's freezing in there. I don't understand why they feel like they can afford to pay to keep the air conditioning at 60 degrees, but not to pay enough staff to keep it open for reasonable hours on weekends.

Tuesday:

1) "Life Script" project for Personality Theory. Haven't started yet. This is basically an in-depth self examination from ages 3-18. And I'm serious when I say in-depth. There are questions about family, favorite TV shows, most embarrassing moments... and of course you're required to analyze how these had an effect on your life and ideologies and EVERYTHING. Counts for a HUGE part of my grade.

2) Tri-color painting for Design. I hate painting with acrylic. I'm absolutely horrible at it. And this painting is looking absolutely horrible. I'm considering trashing it and starting over, but I've already wasted 9 hours of my life on it. Grrr.

Thursday:

1) Study for a Spanish exam. This shouldn't be too big of a deal - I have skipped the majority of my classes since the last exam, but I'm not concerned. The class is a joke. The professor is a joke. But at least she's understanding and likes me so I don't lose grade points for not coming to class. I hope.

2) Film analysis for Abnormal Psych. This one could actually be fun, if I had more time to enjoy it. I almost convinced someone to do it for me today. This person seems to have developed a strong addiction to my chocolate chip cookies, and was ready to kill for another batch. Not commit plagiarism for me, though, apparently.

Then I'm going to Colombia for ten days (hope I can find some sort of internet cafe, or my NaBloPoMo dreams are screwed)...

And due the day I get back:

1) Mental Health Issues Survey for Abnormal Psych. I already have all my interviews done; now all that is left is to analyze trends and correlations, 2-3 pages. Cake.

2) Final Project in Spanish. I think this is supposed to be some some of short insrtuctional speech... I really should find out soon, I guess. Shouldn't be hard - I'm going to be working on it whilst in a Spanish-speaking country.

And then: 1) Major, million-page personality theory thesis, 2) Final project in Design, 3) Personality Theory final, 4) Abnormal Psych final, 5) Design vocab final, 6) Abnormal Psych clinical analysis video...

and I really, really, hope that's all.

13.

It's another one of those days... at school from 9:30 AM until 9:00 PM. Not a lot of chance for a break for lunch/sleep/sanity. I do plan on skipping Spanish - to study for the test I mentioned earlier.

Next year, when I remember to schedule myself a good, long 1.5 hour lunch break, I'm going to go down to the cafeteria every day. On Tuesday Spanish was canceled and I got to have lunch with my awesome class-skipping buddies, and had an amazing sandwich... I have dreams about sandwiches like that one. When I sleep, that is. Which isn't often. Ciabatta bread, pesto mayo, tons of turkey, bacon, and swiss cheese... beautiful.

Seeing as I'm pretty stuck on the lower rungs of Maslow's hierarchy of needs at the moment (food & sleep), I'll save my discussion on self-actualization for later.

Chau.

12.

Arrg. I'm struggling for content. Also, I have a huge Psych test to take tomorrow that I have only slightly studied for. And I work in 20 minutes, until 11:30.

So this is all for today.

11.

I do want a college degree. I can handle the homework, the studying, the working to pay for tuition... not too big a deal - everyone does it (except for the majority of the Plano Elite - their parents pay their way through all 4 years, bmw and all).

But the idea of working 40 hours a week and coming home to do whatever I want is quite tempting. As it is, homework takes up 90% of my free time.

I want to start my own business, have a studio, cook once in a while...

2.5 more years?

10.

Apologies for the non-post the other night. If I could steal my camera back from my sister I'd at least make my non-posts full of photos like ysolda's non-posts.

I've realized what's going on in my life has nothing to do with how stressed I get - it's all perception. I can have a million things due tomorrow, too many hours and early mornings at work, relationship/friendship/family issues, and yet, feel fine. It's weird. And I'm not sure if I can control it. Let's find out, shall we?

I want to knit. I want to see movies. I want to sleep in.
Christmas break will not come soon enough.

Buuut. I still love being a barista. I'm finally confident enough in my shot-pulling and milk-steaming (hot damn, I learned to make some kickass foam) to feel pretty good about the drinks I make for people.

I do have some issues with the management... but for now I'm just staging a quiet rebellion, and will think about quitting in the summer when my art teaching job picks back up (+awesome raise!). And even then... maybe I'll try a different little independent coffee shop?

And I'm going to try something new: saving money. I still haven't touched any of this month's paycheck. Could be because I haven't had time to go to the mall and buy the new pair of shoes I'm so desperately craving, but it's all still there nonetheless. I'm finding that I actually make enough in tips to pay for meals and other absolute necessities, so I rarely use my debit card anymore. I even tip with my tips. This is good.


So, I have a few rare hours before I'll feel obligated to start studying for my Personality Theory Exam that I should have taken today but am going to take tomorrow, so I'm going to kick back, watch Life, and be zen.

09.

just baaaarelyy remembered to post tonight.

ha :)

Livi - 1

NaBloPoMo - zero.

08.

I find it rather unfair that a busy schedule + many responsibilities/obligations leads to high levels of stress, which in turn lower the effectiveness of your immune system which increases the likelihood of getting sick, which causes intense levels of stress and even less time to get everything done which lowers your immune system further, and so on until you're a coffee-chugging zombie just barely dragging yourself from bed, to school, to work, and back to bed again.

I mean, really.

Stress should have good side effects. It shouldn't make you fat or anorexic, make it harder for you to sleep, or increase your risk of developing heart disease and mental disorder.

There's the elusive concept of "eustress," which is supposed to enhance performance and sharpen response to the stressor... but how often does that really occur?

I guess stress kind of has to be a downward spiral so you can't rely entirely on yourself - you need other people to help you out sometimes. In that case, I'm thankful for it. And even more thankful for those people who have been there for me lately while I'm dangerously close to losing my mind out of pure exhaustion.

I'm lucky.

07.

I'm so glad I waited to post today - anything I would have written earlier would have been horribly cynical and riddled with profanity... the non-stop stress and horrible morning at work was kind of getting to me.

but then a good friend helped me snap out of it. thanks :)

there's absolutely nothing to write about at the moment. but I'm making progress on all my assignments, so things will slowly get better as I get things done.

for now, I'm taking the evening off and paying back some of my massive sleep debt.

06.

Technically it's tomorrow.

And I know I'm not going to have time during the day.

And I'm still not at the point where I'm passing out from extreme sleep deprivation...

So here's November 6th's post.

On my mind tonight:

Some "advice" I tend get a lot from older individuals. They say, almost wistfully: "enjoy these years - this is the best time of your life."

Every time I hear that I think, what an absolutely horrible thing to say. This is it? This is the best? That's utterly ridiculous. It may be a nice time, with minimal responsibilities and lots of opportunities, but is that really what it's ultimately all about? I don't think so. Life's a journey, and it gets better every step of the way. I look forward to being "tied down," as it were, with a family, a career, etc. Not too soon, but yeah - I'll give up my freedom gladly to be able to move on to the next important step in my life. I don't want to hear that it's all going to be downhill from here. Read Erik Erikson's theory of lifespan development. He has it more or less figured out.

05.

everything I want to say is far too heavy to put out in such a public forum, and saying anything else right now would seem stupid and perfunctory, so...

it boils down to:

• my entire life has been completely flipped upside-down over the past few months.
  
• I have absolutely no regrets or desire to change anything that happened.
• with that said, I'm still so completely unsure about what's coming next, that I'm scared to death.

the end.

and I can hear mariachi music coming from outside my window. life is strange and beautiful.

04.

just barely squeaking by on today's deadline... today was also quite long.

I'm feeling slightly like death, so I'm going to keep it very short, but if I can find time, I'll have plenty to write about tomorrow.

1) everyone, quit being so bitchy about politics. don't tell me who I should vote for, say I'm stupid for voting a certain way, or whine about who gets elected. this goes for both sides. grow up.

2) school is eating me alive. but there's only about a month and a half left. hallelujah.

3) I laugh at all the people who were so excited to get their free starbucks coffee today. ha. haha. ha.

03.

Long day.

I work 6-2 on Mondays, and I always come home slightly dead. I used to work 8+ hour days all the time at the Purple Crayon, but I always had some breaks between classes to sit down, and there was even time to grab some lunch occasionally. Not so much at the coffee shop. It's generally a madhouse from 7-11, and there's enough to keep me on my feet the rest of the time.

A coffee shop is pretty ideal place for a psych major to be working. We get our fair share of weirdos (today - people completely wasted at 9 in the morning, a guy in his bathrobe talking gibberish and trying to apply for a job, and the more "normal" type of weirdo who orders pearls in his latte). And I've definitely run into quite a few classic examples of personality disorders. I probably should stop diagnosing my customers, but it's hard to resist.

Speaking of people with personality disorders. I had a run-in with someone from my not-too-distant past today that I really could have done without. But that's what you get when you work at a popular coffee place in a small town. It was bound to happen eventually. Didn't spit in his coffee or spill it in his lap. I think I handled it reasonably well.

Unfortunately, besides taking an amazing nap outside (I'm actually outside now - there's an incredibly comfy couch in my half-completed barn, so I'm partially protected from the elements, but still breathing the delicious night air) and reading 500 million pages of psych homework, I didn't do much worthy of note today. Damn these 8 hour shifts. And I won't be able to stay awake much longer, either.

But I made lots of caffeine-addicted people happy today, so it was totally worth it.

02.

Ahh, Day 2 of NaBloPoMo. I was going to take the advice of some NBPM veterans and get my posting done in the morning, but... yeah, no. Nothing has inspired me yet. So if this post ends up being pointless and lame, I'm sorry.

I'm going to hang in there, though, because I really, really, like getting things accomplished. I love making lists and checking things off them. One reason I love 43things.com. It's a little more long term than my to-do's on iCal, but most of the goals I have are reasonably accomplishable (not a word). Plus, it gives the option of writing entries about your progress, and people can send you e-encouragement in the form of "cheers." There's also a 43people and a 43places, both similarly amazing.

I should really start a new list of all the big-ticket items I need to buy and can't possibly afford unless I start practicing some self-control. Maybe that'll remind me not to blow $100 on shoes every time I go to the mall. I might try paying myself every time I get free coffee at work or at Starbucks... that could add up fast. One or two $4 drinks every shift, and if I factor in all the doughnuts, I'll have my Lambretta in no time.

Annnd, I'm about to go back to work making delicious lattes and etc, but it just struck me that this blog is in dire need of a redesign. Yes?

NaBloPoMo!

I do recall saying I wouldn't do this, but then, I change my mind quite a bit. I signed up for National Blog Posting Month. Starting today, I'll be posting every day until the end of November. Get ready to have your blogrolls rocked.

advice to my future self.

By future, I mean mid-December, when it will be time to register for yet another semester of college drudgery.

• No more night classes.

• No more 3-hour classes. Eww.
  

• No classes before 10 am. That has worked out beautifully this semester - I've only been sick once, as opposed to three times in the semester I had an 8 am class.

• CLEP the last semester of Spanish. It just really isn't fun anymore, and if I can pass the exam, I'm moving on to Spanish Lit.

• Schedule an hour for lunch. I generally end up eating two meals on Tuesdays and Thursdays - one at 2:30 and one at about midnight. Probably not the healthiest.

• If a professor has ratings on RateMyProfessors.com along the lines of "Freaking hard prof," "His exams are 20 pgs. long!!" or "Only take from him if you have a death wish," believe them. And only take one of his classes per semester.

• Take some easy classes. Please.
  

On bliss, and oblivion.

I'm happy.

This isn't new. I'm rarely anything but. Have been for years and years.

Obviously I have moments of sadness, anger, frustration - just like everyone else. They just don't get me for long.

Why?

I'm not complaining - though some people have been...


My life isn't perfect - it's confusing, stressful, and downright terrifying at times.

I'm not naive - I've had quite a few things happen to me to demonstrate that people can be... inhuman. And at an earlier age than most, I think. I don't have any illusions about an altruistic human nature.

I've done my best to avoid embitterment, jadedness. I haven't honestly avoided it, but I think maybe I've managed to get past it and see the lessons to be learned from the experiences I'd rather forget.

You can't forget things - and you really shouldn't try. You are, whether you like it or not, a product of everything you ever were. What we do and what happens to us is what makes us. You have to let the worst bring out the best in you. But see the worst in yourself and recognize it as a part of who you are.

How could anyone recognize light if not for the existence of darkness? Though I'm not a hardcore subscriber to Jungian theory, I have to agree that the whole idea of balance is pretty dead on. You need a little bit of the bad with the good to get the best out of both.

I believe in a form of karma - not in the Buddhist sense, exactly. But what you give is often what you get. Not immediately, not always directly. And maybe someone else gets the good that you gave. But somehow that gets back to you, if only in the form of a good feeling.

So what if everything has been going completely wrong - bad things happen to you that you don't deserve, and all the things you do with the best of intentions get horribly skewed and end up causing more harm than good? It's going to happen to you sometime (unless it doesn't, in which case I say stfu. we're all going to be much more interesting people than you). Can you gain something there to better yourself (and prove the existence of "karma")?

I can't say why situations like this affect people in such different ways. I don't want to believe you don't have a choice - that some people are born with the ability to thrive in adversity and some can't do anything but get discouraged and give up.

Existentialist? Why yes, I am. I'm a fan of the whole purpose-driven life thing. I am biased however, and believe there is really only one purpose that is worth driving. And that's a story for another day, when I'm feeling a bit bolder.

But in a general sense, that's one thing I think really helps shape perception of problems. If you only have one absolute goal in mind for your life, and you know that one goal is already accomplished, nothing else can really matter.


I feel like this line of thought needs to be continued, despite its rambly nature. But I really, really, have been trying to cut back on the caffeine, and the last of my chemically-fueled inspiration has fizzled out for the day. Hope there was some sense to be found in that slew of inadequate words. Maybe when I get some sleep I can look back and figure out exactly what it was I wanted to say, and actually say it :)

Oops.

I definitely signed up for Blog Action Day 2008.

Then proceeded to not write an amazing, thought-provoking, world-poverty-solving, cancer-curing, illiteracy-eliminating post yesterday.

Instead, I wrote an essay in Spanish about violin-playing con artists.

Rain check?

if it's not too late for coffee, I'll be at your place in 10.

Oh, life. It's lovely.

But it does wear one out.

School remains hectic - I'm coming to terms with the fact that life will not end if I don't make the dean's list this semester... still going to work my ass off to try, though.

The coffee shop is quite nice. I've had three 5 am shifts this week, and though they've been more fun than the cold-molasses-y slow night shifts, they freaking kill me. I've been pretty good about getting to sleep by 11, but that still only gives me 4.5 hours of sleep. Not quite enough. I can give customers huge fake smiles and get their orders right, but when I get home I crasssssssshhh. Which is not good when one has massive amounts of homework to do.

But, again, it would be much worse if I had to deal with bitchy coworkers. And I'm finally getting tips, so that extra dollar or so an hour makes my pay almost comparable to what I was making at the Purple Crayon. And I feel like I have a bit more control over tips - chat a little bit with the customers and compliment their shirt/purse/motorcycle, and you're more likely to get a dollar or so.

But on the other hand, some people get their only social contact at the drive-thru at 6 am, and thus talk your ear off for 10 minutes and proceed to pay in exact change. :(

And some people are just flat-out rude. Srsly. I may feel like murdering everyone who talks loudly to me before I've had my morning coffee, but I can usually control that urge. Obviously there are those who cannot.

And that's about it. My life is work, school, sleep, and the occasional pre/post-work/school outing right now. And lots of delicious, free coffee. And doughnuts. Oh my. I've gained three pounds since I started working. Yayy :))


*note to Latte Boy: good-looking guys are actually a rarity in the mornings - don't be jealous. I only flirt with old, ugly guys.

I never knew just what it was about that old coffee shop I loved so much

Whew. I feel like things are more or less back under control. Sleep helps immensely. So does eating some decent food. Maslow is a freaking genius. There are still way too many things to do and not a lot of time to do them, but at least it's not making me lose my mind anymore.

Work is going fantastically - I finally got to make drinks today and (kind of) learned to use the register, so I don't just stand in the back and feel helpless during a rush. Loving the people I'm working with - it's like I've known them forever.

Hat Attack - I died :( My victim overnighted me her almost-finished hat, and I got it that morning, but had to take a psych exam and then work, so I didn't get to knit a stitch on it before I got the hat that killed me in the mail that afternoon. Tragedy.

Pictures soon - of my murder weapon, and of some spinning I've been doing. I tried navajo plying for the first time and it turned out rather excitingly.

annd...
avocado smoothies = ♥

take my hand, and we'll make it, I swear.

I can't remember ever being this stressed in my life.

I keep telling myself, "this is a good thing - it builds character, strengthens tolerance, teaches patience..."

Whatever. While true, whatever positive things may happen as a result in the future, none of them really help in the moment. Having no time to do anything except work, study, do homework, and freak out about how much work, studying, and homework you have to do sucks hardcore. I don't actually have time to be writing this blog, but I think it helps a little bit - maybe to pinpoint what's really bothering me, maybe just to get it out there so I'm not dealing with this alone.

Like I've mentioned before, procrastination and my tendency to be easily distracted are probably what puts me in these stressful situations, but it does seem like all my professors get together and assign everything to be due at exactly the same time. Conspiracy.

One of the things that is absolutely DRIVING ME CRAZY is how all these psych classes are turning me into a hyper-analytical self-therapist... I pretty much uncontrollably start analyzing everything I say or think while I'm thinking or saying it. It's like there are two voices in my head that are both trying to talk at the same time - unbelievably confusing. My professor warned everyone at the beginning of the semester that this might happen. Didn't tell us how to stop it, however.


So. On stress. I think right now it would be great to have some kind of cathartic, emotional release, like a fit of screaming or some frustrated tears... but instead I'm going numb, and parts of my brain are shutting off so I can't feel anything except frustration at not being able to feel anything. Ego defense mechanism? Maybe, but they're supposed to be unconscious. If anything, I'd call this intellectualization.

Can't shut my ridiculously busy brain off. I used to be able to when I was taking yoga. Now every waking moment it's going over these impossible questions and trying to find solutions. Silly brain, just accept that the only solution is to STOP THINKING and just DO the things that need to be done and not distract me so much. Grr. Inner conflict, much?

I think there's a big part of me that has trouble accepting helplessness - I'm pretty strong and independent (or so I'd like to believe), so I should be able to do anything, right? I think so. But I can't wrap my head around the fact that certain things are outside of my control.

I know other people have been here (I'm starting to wonder if this is how all the LCA Western Civvies felt during senior year) - what do you do? I really can't spare any time for relaxing things like knitting, spinning, watching movies... is there just a certain state of mind I should aim for?


Well. My lunch (which is also going to have to count as breakfast and dinner until I can eat after my 6:30-9 class) has finally sunk in so I don't feel on the verge of passing out. Back to work.

you know, you know, no, you don't, you dooon't.

Aw, hell. This isn't a knit blog.

I know I might have said it was a few times, and I know a good number of you who read this are knitters (ha! I see via flickr pro that 7 people were interested enough in my Fibbonaci Frequency hat to click the link from here :) I'm so popular.), but this is really just an outlet.

I've realized I love writing. I've known for a good long while, of course, what with all my success in english and journalism classes, but then for about a year I was writing nothing but boring government/history/literary analysis essays... mostly about things I really couldn't care less about.

Now that I'm in some classes that I'm really passionate about, I'm inspired to write about them. And other things, things that matter to me; I want to share them somehow, even if no one cares about them as much as I do.

I still try to be discreet - I have a paper and ink journal that I write the really personal stuff in (though admittedly, not very frequently) - and not mention names or details. I know I get a bit uncomfortable sometimes when I read about myself on other blogs...


So, as for the future of this blog - the content is going to change as my interests change. And I definitely anticipate staying interested in knitting for a good long time, so it very well may remain primarily a knit blog. Just thought I'd clear things up in case any of my seven knitters were disappointed at the recent lack of yarn.

Oh, and I got the barista job! It's what I really wanted, anyway. I'm still not grown-up enough to make the sensible choice - I just want to have fun and drink coffee right now :)

tuesday morning, in the dark - I was finding out who you are

Hmm. 4:30 am, not sleepy. Time for another one of those weird, deep-ish thought explosions.

The primary reason I'm still awake is my essay I'm writing for Psych of Personality. I definitely wasted my weekend (but had quite a bit of fun in the process) that was supposed to be devoted to studying for the scary Abnormal Psych exam I have to take by Thursday, and it wasn't until late Sunday night that I even remembered this essay was due. And I'm usually so good about getting these things on my iCal to-do list. Getting them on there, yes. Doing them before they're due, not so much.

On Personality Theory - I'm loving the class; the prof. is a genius, we have great class discussions, and the subject itself is absolutely fascinating, but...

I'm not sure I can deal with the massive amounts of mandatory introspection involved in the assignments. As I'm writing this 6-volume novel of an essay about my results from the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Test (take it - I'd love to see your results and thereby get to know you way better), I realize there's a lot about myself that I never really wanted to know.

I'm all for learning about what makes other people tick, but I hate having to explain myself to other people. Maybe because it means explaining myself to myself first. And if I do manage to dig that deep into the inner workings of my psyche, it sounds vain or self-absorbed when I put it into writing. Could I possibly just be vain and self-absorbed? Let's not go there.

Can vanity really exist if you consciously recognize it in yourself? Or is it one of those catch-22 things like humbleness (if you consider yourself to be a humble person, you're bragging and thus not being humble)?


Job interviews - what on earth do you say when they ask you to name three bad things about yourself?

"I work too hard."

"I'm a perfectionist."

"My right eyebrow is slightly higher than my left."


I'm becoming more and more convinced that I have ADD. That would explain a lot. Every single time I do homework, I spend a ridiculous amount of time doing absolutely everything imaginable except homework. It's a miracle I ever finish anything. My ability to procrastinate is truly impressive. I'm impressed, at least. I'm kind of proud of it, actually.


Now I'm tired.

The Death Hat Always Knocks Twice.

I think a lot of people don't realize it, but knitters are totally badass.

There's Madame Defarge, from Tale of Two Cities fame; the domiKNITrix, a true mistress of the yarn and needles... and then there's me, of course.



my finished Fibonacci Frequency hat for HA2

- my Therapi arrived just in time, so I used that instead of the merino. Gotta say, I wasn't too impressed with it for $10 a 110 yard skein. It had a good number of knots (it was knotty. you know what we do to knotty yarns, don't you?), and knit up it bears an uncanny resemblance to Simply Soft ($2 for 315 yards)... the made-from-jade part is still pretty cool, but I'm still probably not going to buy it again.

So! It's in the mail - should arrive to kill its target before 3 tomorrow (spent an arm an a leg on postage. but at least I'll still have my arms and my legs, which is more than I can say for my unlucky victim).

Now there's nothing left to do but wait... and check the mail every day in fear.


In other news, I've had some surprisingly good luck on the job-hunting front. I had an amazing interview for a receptionist position with a random company that was recruiting on campus, and they're supposed to call today. AND the coffee shop I applied at a few weeks ago and had kind of given up on called me this morning to set up an interview on Monday.

So I have a bit of a dilemma. The receptionist job is not very appealing to me (expect for the salary, the potential for career advancement, the benefits, and how good it'll look on my resume) - I'm afraid it'll be a bit of a The Office situation (though the boss seems about 100 times more competent than Michael), and I'd be Pam of course. And I really have no need for yet another Pam/Jim-type relationship, which is clearly inevitable if I become the office receptionist/art student. But still. Lots of benefits.

And then there's Escape, basically the coffee shop in Allen. I'd be around coffee all day (that's almost enough to sell me by itself), be able to see friends, dress more casually, get free coffee, have more varied shifts (I think the receptionist job is your basic 9-5), and... did I mention coffee? Downsides are the lower pay, the early mornings, and the possibility of having to deal with people I don't like who live in the neighborhood (I swear, everyone and their mother goes to this place). But... I've been dying to be a barista for years now.

So I really don't know. But neither of them have made legitimate offers yet, so it may work itself out in the end.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer Hat Attack

I just got my assignment for HA2... I'm ridiculously excited. I have actually been swatching to prepare for this thing because I didn't order Therapi in time (it'll probably show up tomorrow afternoon, but I'm hoping to be halfway done by then - knitting alllll night), and have to rely on my respectably-sized stash for a yarn substitute. I'm going with some Knit Picks Wool of the Andes Worsted I bought ages ago.

And all this swatching combined with the slightly cooler weather (thanks, Ike) has started my fingers itching to knit, spin, and crank out a few million hats/mittens/scarves. I found some random wool single I spun up forever ago and plied it...



...and that inspired me to buy some more roving. Etsy is down right now, or I'd steal a picture of it - it's some amazingly-fluffy looking black and white merino from WhimzyPinzy. Yayy for self-bought early birthday presents!

Unfortunately, that, along with the Therapi ($10 a 50 gram ball... but it's made from jade. that's just too awesome to pass up) has completely depleted my knitting-related budget for a while. I'm only working two or three hours a week at the moment, but I've applied at a few places that I'm still waiting to hear back from. My savings are getting dangerously non-existent. I may stoop to serving fast food soon. It's really that bad.

judging by your smile, you are holding something back

It's 4:15 AM.

I'm sure there are plenty of morning people, people with long commutes, polyphasic sleepers, coffee/doughnut shop workers, Walmart employees, and Good Morning America hosts who are just waking up; getting ready to start their days.

I'm still trying to get to sleep. Not really trying anymore, obviously. Briefly giving up with the hopes that sudden, uncontrollably narcolepsy will hit me while I'm typing.

I guess I could be revving up for NaBloPoMo in November. I seriously considered doing that last year, but I suspect that deep down in my psyche there's something that rebels against me forming positive habits, and subconsciously forces me to skip a day - just to weaken my resolve. And I'm just not the type of person to feel guilty about that kind of thing. Probably why I've never stuck to a diet or exercise plan for more than 2 days. Really hope my metabolism is still this fast when I'm 30.


Why am I still awake? It could be because of the massive amounts of coffee I drank today. Don't even want to start figuring out the milligrams of caffeine. But it never had any effect (affect? Mrs. Rice would know.) on me whatsoever at 10 this morning when I desperately needed it... no sleep last night either. There's this mosquito (but there must be more than one, because I caught one in midair and squashed it with a vengeance about 4 hours ago) that must be invisible and the size of a small dog that flies around my head pretty much constantly every night. It's the loudest thing I've heard in my life. And I have about 500 bites all over my body, because it somehow can bite through my comforter when it gets tired of biting my exposed arms and feet. Good Lord. I'm mystified.

But! I found a way to at least tune out the sound (even though I still know it's there and biting, and it haunts me) - brilliant iPhone app aSleep. Plays ambient sounds through your headphones to block out mosquito noises. Probably good for studying in distracting places or doing yoga, too. Best 99 pennies I ever spent.

Another possible reason for this insomnia - the weird, 4 hour nap I took today. I started out feeling like my body was probably about to give up and die after being sick for 9 days (I'll discuss that momentarily), and woke up feeling significantly more hopeful, but physically the same. Weird feeling - being happy and feeling like shit at the same time. I don't recommend it.

On being sick: it sucks. But it has been extremely interesting noticing the changes in my mental processes (psych geek =])over the course of the last 9 days (minus Thursday - I was actually feeling pretty decent then). I hopped back and forth between wanting sympathy and telling myself to suck it up sooo many times, and there was a point when I seriously wanted to exact severe physical revenge on whichever poor soul it was who came to school while sick and infected me. Sometimes I wasn't thinking at all - that's hard to do if you're trying. And then there was today, when I was tired of taking drugs and feeling slightly better for a few hours just to crash back into feeling horrible...

Tylenol PM used to be my best friend. Now, thanks to a horrific series of nightmares, I don't think I'll ever have the courage to take it again.


Buh. I should try to sleep again. I have a paper to write tomorrow, and possibly a doctor's appointment. And a babysitting job I'm going to cancel.

But you can't deny that this was a beautiful glimpse at the kind of things that run around in my head when I don't direct my thoughts in one way or another. And that was the censored version.

you've seen the difference, and it's getting better all the time

mix tapes!! confession - I wasn't actually born until after the heyday of the mix tape, but I have made and distributed many a mix cd in my time. I found the amazing Mixwit via the also amazing KnitXcorE, and was inspired to throw together a quick compilation of feel-good 80's (and some that are just 80's-sounding) love songs.

k, thx, bai.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life... and I'm feelin good.

You guys were so right.

Blocking the hell out of that mitten made it absolutely beautiful. I should never have doubted one of the most basic of the ancient rites of Needlecraftery. I'm sorry. And I definitely haven't taken an after picture, nor have I photo'd the other projects I've been working on. Just trust me - they're all incredible, as usual.


Speaking of incredible.

My many hours spent choosing professors and organizing my schedule have not left me disappointed. Though not actually incredible, thanks to various unrelated, outside factors, my classes have been very promising so far.

Psych of Personality/Abnormal Psych - THANK YOU, RateMyProfessors.com. I took a big risk taking the same guy for two classes, but I'm not sorry. He's so laid-back and casual, but at the same time has a deep sense of professionalism and serious control of the classroom. Annnd he knows my name and looks deep into my eyes - almost into my soul - when I'm talking...

ahem.

And of course there's the obligatory bitch who insists on letting everyone know exactly how disgusting she thinks people with tattoos and piercings are and "lyke, omg, they're so nasty, I don't even knooooowww how anyone could dooo anything like that to their bodies and they must be totally messed up and psychotic to put poison in their bloodstream and mutilate themselves and ZZOOOMG! girl next to me, is that a nose ring??? omigod, what were you thinking, do you really just hate your body that much that you would mistreat it like that??"

On a good day, I want to strangle her. On a day like today, I had to flip her off with both hands under the desk. Hon, we all have our own opinions, and a debate (though on a completely unrelated subject) is actually a great and appropriate time to voice them, but if you happen to be blonde and stupid and have a abnormally squeaky voice, don't sit next to someone with a fever and massive sinus congestion and expect to live.

But, lo; the wonderful Professor L. is quick to get the discussion back on track without offending anyone or allowing any violent fights to break out. Yayy :)


Intermediate Spanish I - interesting class, with a good number of what I presume are "continuing education" students, ages 40-75, and kids who took Beginning Spanish II from the same prof. last semester. La Maestra is rather eccentric, consistently 10-15 minutes late, and tends to mostly call on her pet students from previous classes (I suspect it's because theirs are the only names she can remember). Normally, all these things would seriously annoy me in a professor, but for some reason I don't mind them coming from her. Maybe it's because she's hilarious. Or maybe it's because the only time she did call on me, she gave me a huge ego-boosting complement on my accent.


2-D Design - Ahh. This class awakens the long-dormant artist inside my soul. The first time I walked into the room I gave a huge, involuntary sigh and got a beautiful feeling of everything being right with the world. Artgasam.

The lighting is amazing, the ceilings are high, the tables are rotating, the chairs are comfy - in short, the room alone is the polar opposite of the prison-like image I usually associate with school and academia. The instructor is shockingly young, and probably in her first or second year of teaching. She's only given one lecture so far, so I can't form much of an opinion on how qualified she is, but at least her slight drawl (which normally realllly irratates me - a side effect of growing up with some hardcore rednecks in rural Alabama, I guess?) is more endearning than annoying.

Most importantly, it's giving me some time to actually sit down and create something. I'll be honest - spending two and a half hours in the same class is rather tough, but I've only had to actually stay the whole duration once. I had already finished my project when I came to class today, so I just drew penguins and owls for about an hour, until Teach came over to look at my progress and told me I could go if I was quiet and didn't let anyone see me leave :)


So my education is progressing quite nicely, and I usually get to see a friendly face in or on the way to every class. It's pretty wonderful. Not seeing a whole lot of opportunity for in-class knitting, but I may be able to work something out with my Psych professor.

When I look back now, that summer seemed to last forever.

Ohh, summer, I'm going to be sad to see you go.

Not that it was particularly relaxing as it has been in years past - I worked a bit more than I was used to and had to survive without my boss for over a month. But the overwhelming theme was freedom, just like every summer's should be.

It has been truly beautiful - kind of like a song by Wheat, The Shins, or Sondre Lerche (don't know what I mean? please, please, let me make you a mix CD immediately). Doesn't really make that much sense when you try to analyze it, but look at it in a dreamy, detached state of mind, and it's perfectly clear. I guess it helps that I've been in that state of mind the entire summer.

I'm tempted to continue that train of thought and turn this into a deep, intro/retro/ultra-spective monologue, but I've really said it all right there. Simple, sweet, and sublime.

School starts a week from tomorrow. I definitely spent $600 on textbooks this afternoon, which is about $200 more than I spent on tuition. Love college.

I'm a tad trepidated (< not a real word) about taking four classes in a semester after my freakishly easy senior year, but I think I'll be okay. I have two psych classes, both with the same highly-rated professor (8 chili peppers on ratemyprofessors.com), a Spanish class I could have easily CLEP'd but decided to take so I don't forget everything I've learned by skipping a semester, and a 3-hour design class that looks promising, if a bit inconvenient.


Tomorrow is my last day of work for an unspecified period of time - summer classes have ended, and the fall schedule conflicts with my school schedule, so I'm only coming in every month or so for holiday specials. I'm definitely going to miss it - I've been doing this for three years now, and making way more money than I ever possibly could have been elsewhere. It's probably time to move on though. The Purple Crayon is looking at its final days if no one buys the business - my boss has been ready to retire for years now.

In very exciting news, my mom randomly stumbled across an amazing deal on a kiln on Craig's List the other day, and after I went down to Dallas to inspect it, she snapped it up. I'm no kiln expert (I've been burned on them enough times that I should be, however), but it looks beautiful and is going to be able to do whatever I need it to in the way of high-firing. I have to figure out how to use cones until I can afford a pyrometer, but that's just old-school and cool anyway.


Knitters - if you made it through all that non-yarn-related content without your eyes glazing over, I commend you. Here's some relief:



This is the first of the Chevaliers I was talking about. Ugh. See the weird, stretched out stitches? I'll have a block party tomorrow and see if I can fix those. Also, if my hand looks weird, it's because that's a right-hand mitten on my left hand. Too hard to take the picture otherwise :)

Annd. I don't know how I missed out on the first round, but I'm crazy excited for Hat Attack 2! I'm actually swatching (OH em gee) because I'm not sure I feel like spending $20 on the suggested yarn (I'm sorry, I mean weapon). My dream of being a knitting assassin has finally come to fruition.

Happiness is a Warm Coffee Cake

@#)%#$#! Cables.

I'm working on Chevalier Mittens, and it could just be a random bout of perfectionism, but I feel like my cables are looking like craaaaap. I had always heard cabling without a cable needle made them neater - less stretching of the stitches - but I think it may actually look worse than when I use one.

I'm knitting with Paton's Classic Merino and size 6 dpns - wrong gauge, maybe?

I'll take before and after blocking pictures to see if that helps any.


Also. I'm super excited about Twist Collective. A gazillion of my favorite designers have patterns on (in?) it, and I'm probably going to spend every dollar I have buying them and their yarns.

Annd that's all I have time for.

Sweet Cuppin' Cakes!

I've been on a bit of a cupcake kick lately - a wonderful, wonderful person bought me these three books, and I'm completely in love with making tiny, delicious, pastries of joy and cuteness. I even use the mini tins for extra cuteness, and because the pastelitas I make are super rich and hard to handle in anything larger than bite-sized form.

My latest creation is from the brilliant Cupcake Bakeshop blog. I find it adorable how Chockylit describes these as "simple," and "relatively easy to put together." In my mind, simple is adding a few eggs and a quarter cup of vegetable oil to a box of cake mix. But nevertheless, these are amazing.



chocolate cupcakes stuffed with rasberry chocolate ganache and frosted with chocolate glaze and buttercream

Oh, em, gee. I don't even want to think about how many calories these little guys have. But so, so, worthwhile.

and, as promised, my visual aids to accompany last night's post.


amigurumi bunny
yarn: cascade 220 in blue and aqua (don't remember the real color names)
hook: g, I think.


eunny's bayerische
yarn: dream in color smooshy in lipstick lava
needles: sz 1 dpns

Voulez-Vous Crochet Avec Moi?

yeah, you do.

This is just going to be a quickie (ha), because I'm seriously exhausted and I have cupcakes in the oven, but I feel like I should update my legions of fans on how my creative enterprises are coming, bi-monthly at least.

I've been crocheting - I found a pattern for an amigurumi coffee cup, and never looked back. I also made an oddly-shaped-yet-adorable bunny, and two freeform bees. Love how fast it goes compared to knitting. Still love the knitted fabric better for clothing, but crochet is sturdier, and better suited to toys (hey, like amugurumi!).

I was feeling hardcore a couple of days ago, so I cast on for Bayerische (anyone have any idea how to pronounce that?)... and those babies have teeth! I'm cableing sans cable needle to make it even scarier, yet admittedly, easier for myself.


Work is actually going okay; I only had one week of insane Tuesday and Wednesday classes while my boss has been gone, and I've gotten a break from them this week and last week. My Monday class is wonderful - it's just four mind-blowingly talented 12-14 year olds who make a masterpiece of whatever project I assign them with little or no help from me. I actually got to paint and draw with them yesterday and made a halfway-decent picture.


iPhone update for iPod Touch? Totally worth the ten bucks. As long as I'm within range of some wi-fi, I can do everything an iPhone can do except make phone calls and use Shazam (no microphone =[ ). Excitement.

That's all - pictures tomorrow, possibly. I'm kind of a picture tease, and I apologize. It's nighttime, and there is no decent lighting in my house whatsoever.

*ETA*
oops, accidentally posted with the date and time from when I thought up the clever title (about a week ago), and just now fixed it, so if this is in your blogroll twice, I'm dreadfully sorry.

Taking Care of Business

Work has been pretty crazy lately. My boss is pretty disorganized (I sympathize - we're artists, not accountants), and occasionally I end up having to pay the price for her lack of foresight. I've become used to having the project I'm going to teach explained to me at the literal last minute, but this week I had to make it up as I went along with two classes - one of which had twelve 6-10 year-olds. And of course, only half the class arrives on time, so I'm constantly jumping back and forth between steps to help the latecomers catch up. Also, during the summer, there are always kids going out of town who want to know when they can do a make-up class. That was so much easier to deal with when we had our own place - people could come in pretty much any time we were open - but now we have to find a class in the next session for them to come to. And these sorts of inquiries are always made in the middle of class, with dozens of noisy kids all asking for help making various parts of a clay monkey pencil holder that I'm making up on the spot. Utter Chaos.

Now my boss is going out of town for three weeks, leaving me to basically run the business. I am, in fact, freaking out slightly. But maybe now that I have all the projects ahead of time I'll be able to divert some disasters (like leaving all our glazes at the other facility when all the entire class had left to do was paint their clay pieces. that was a fun day). My entire schedule has changed - thank God for iCal or I'd never show up at the right place at the right time. I'm also going to have to start dressing a little more professionally so parents will take me seriously. Last week someone asked me what my "qualifications" were, and I was a little taken aback. Am I qualified? I finally decided to call myself an art student, even though I'm majoring in Spanish/Psych/Chem and haven't taken any college art classes to speak of yet. Makes me sound legit.


I've been knitting a little bit, but there are so many things I want to make, that I end up starting a million projects at once and never finishing any. I'm almost done with Hello Yarn's top down bonnet (figure-8 cast on is freaking brilliant), but I probably made it far to small to fit any normal baby. Damn gauge.

I did flickr (yes, that's a verb) some pictures of thank you cards I made for people who sent me especially large graduation checks - here's one of my favorites:



Uniball ink pens = love.

Inspiration

Okay, so, I'm done keeping track of my caffeine addiction. It's rather embarrassing, and it's not telling me anything I didn't already know. Instead, I'm thinking about starting a 365-day self portrait project. Worth going pro on flickr to make a set just for that? Probably. Convince me.

Anyway, I was bored for a few hours on Saturday, and tried to make a dent in my crazy blogroll. It was up to several thousand unread posts (a ton from CRAFT Magazine's Blog, which, by the way, is amazing.), and I got totally inspired. Not a fan of traditional bookmark-it-with-some-ingenious-filing-technique-and-hope-you'll-be-able-to-find-it-again-when-you-want-it techniques, I put my favorites on tumblr. I think I'm going to keep it pretty well-updated (i.e., more so than this blog), so if you're looking for inspiration of a crafty nature, definitely RSS-feed me.

Apologies for the blatant lack of pictures lately; the MacBook doesn't have a card reader, so I would actually have to not be lazy and borrow the one in the computer room to upload some. I do, however have several rather poor-quality PhotoBooth pictures of my most recent knitting project which I refuse to put on flickr because of their lameness, but I will upload to Blogger for your viewing enjoyment. Unfortunately, I am wearing a mustache in all of them.



This is the beret I meant to finish for Gibson's birthday (in March), but ran out of yarn, and didn't get around to buying more until now. Basic, top-down construction, with Cascade 220. I'm considering blocking it with a record to add more of an edge, but I kind of like it floppy too - opinions?

Monday, Bloody Monday

Yesterday, overcome by a random spirit of benevolence and good will towards men (lie. they were giving out free movie tickets.), I decided to donate blood before work. I hadn't had time for more than a muffin and half a latte, but I figured I wasn't some wimp who would faint at the loss of a pint of blood and no food.

Nope. They took the needle out of my arm - I was feeling fine - I got out of the chair and rescheduled and grabbed an XXL t-shirt (the only size available, as always)... then everything started going black. I still managed to grab an orange juice and a package of crackers before I kind of collapsed into a chair. By now, everything was completely black, but I could still hear people's voices clearly. The tech asked me if I was feeling okay, and I murmured "a little bit woozy," in what I guessed was her general direction.

She and another tech started leading me back towards the reclining blood-taking chairs... and suddenly I woke up on the floor to people saying "Catherine, are you okay?" If I seemed confused and disoriented, it was because I was trying to figure out who Catherine was, and why she wouldn't be okay.

They told me I was only out for about 30 seconds, but somehow I had managed to have a long, complicated dream about Bruce Willis. Must have been heaven.

After making me sit in the gross chair for 15 minutes, they made me sign something which I assume was some kind of waiver... I couldn't see very well out of one eye, and my brain hadn't really started being re-vascularized yet.

I remembered that I had a class at 1:30, so I somehow managed to drive through Chik Fil A, get on the freeway, and make it to work. After an hour of trying to get 6-year-olds to glue yarn onto elephants and not barf every time I stood up, I told my boss I needed to go home.

Driving home in the 190-degree Texan heat, I almost fell asleep at least three times, and collapsed on the couch as soon as I walked in the door, then proceeded to sleep for hours.

So. I think I've learned my lesson. Don't let the commies steal your precious bodily fluids.


And now, a caffeine update.

6/20

11:00 am - grande americano (*bux, and not my favorite one. sorry, latte boy. emergency.)
2:30 pm - cuppa PG Tips tea
7:00 pm - mini-can Dr. Pepper

Total: 298.5 mg

6/21

10:30 am - 12:00 pm - almost an entire Moka pot full of espresso

Total: ~ 385 mg

6/22

11:00 am - Oregon Chai latte
7:00 pm - indeterminate amount of Dr. Pepper

Total: ~ 74 mg (wow!)

6/23

11:00 am - half a double tall soy latte
7:00 pm - the other half of the double tall soy latte (sat in the car, so it was still about as hot as it was when I got it)

Total: 154 mg

Running total: 1,909 mg

caffeen adickshun? I has wun.

So, seeing my coffee intake in black in white like this has made me a little self-conscious about it, and I've made an effort to cut back a bit. Plus, paying $3.50 for something I could make myself for less than a dollar goes against my DIYer instincts.

I did, however, go visit my new favorite barista yesterday and introduce myself so I can build our relationship up to the point of me getting free coffee whenever he's working.

Yesterday summed up:

9:30 am- demitasse of home-brewed espresso (about 2 shots)

2:00 pm- double tall soy latte (starbucks)

Total caffeine: 308 mg

Today:

9:00 am- triple iced latte (brewed at home)

5:00 pm- chai latte (home)

Total caffeine: 278 mg

Running total since 06/17/08: 997.5 mg

Bring Me Java, Bring Me Joy

Remember that online history class I mentioned? I've pretty much found an excuse to blow it off every single day since it started. Annnnd there are exactly eight days left until the midterm.

Keep in mind that there were only seventeen days in total before the midterm to begin with, but you'd think I'd have had the wherewithal to start studying a tad sooner.

Not that I haven't tried - but there's always something to distract me. My house is always noisy unless everyone's gone, and that rarely happens for more than an hour or two at a time. So I've started coffee-shop-hopping, even going to Starbucks (evil mega-conglomerate that it is) occasionally. This has proved slightly counterproductive, as most java joints have apparently made it their policy to hire almost solely from the ridiculously-attractive-college-aged-male demographic.

I've also been staying up rather late every night, so I've needed a strong dose of caffeine every morning to get rid of my headaches and jitters. On top of those factors, I just got a second Italian espresso maker, pretty much exclusively invite people to get coffee when I want to hang out, and several of my friends have jobs as baristas.

So now, as I'm feeling a little light-headed and wishing I hadn't accepted that free extra shot from Matt the Latte Boy, I've decided to start recording my daily caffeine intake.

10:00 am - Chai tea (not that significant, but it's still buzzed)
3:30 - Triple espresso
5:30 - Triple grande half-caff americano (they put two shots in a normal one, so by some weird math that I don't quite understand, I'm going to say a triple half-caff is equal to about 1.5 caffeinated shots)

Total shots: 4.5

so assuming a shot has about 77 mg of caffeine (which I know totally depends on the roast, blend, and extraction, but I'm going by *bux's nutrition guide), and the Chai has 47mg...

Total: 393.5 mg

*edit*
I knew I was doing something screwy with that math. I forgot that decaf espresso still has somewhere around 12 mg of caffeine per shot (bah. I get more of a buzz off of water.), so that's an extra 18 mg.

New Total: 411.5

Who knew love could be this caffeinated?

Summer Breeze Makes Me Feel Fiiine.

Hello Knit Blog.

I know you must have missed me.

I'm back. But I have nothing to show for my long absence. Except for the beginnings of a boring-yet-adorable garter-stitch-striped alpaca scarf and two hats (one of which I can't remember where I put for the life of me)I haven't knit a stitch. Nor spun a yard. Forgive me. Things have been hectic.

Okay, I'll be honest. They haven't been too hectic. It's due to a little thing called senioritis. It causes total and complete apathy about everything except graduating. And as of May 16, I's graduated. Please join me in a moment of pure, summery, bliss.

But now that I've got that whole high school thing over with, I'm so very inspired to plan for this summer. So here's a few things I'd like to get accomplished before September.


1) Work.

The studio where I used to teach closed down due to an increase in rent and a shitty air conditioner that the landlord refused to fix, but we're moving our operation to two different rec centers (one five minutes away, the other twenty minutes) and will have to cross our fingers that the people firing our clay stuff don't screw things up horribly.

I just got a raise - (yeah!) but I'll only be teaching about 25 hours a week, so I should have plenty of time to do other things. Such as:


2) Learn.

I already have my classes planned out for this fall, but to get into the C++ class I want to take (yeah, that's right. totally to meet geek boys.) I need to take College Algebra as a coreq. Eww. And before I can take that, I have to take College Mathematics, or maybe my SAT scores will cover it, or I might have to take the TSI again, or I might have to take "developmental courses" to finally learn the math I should have learned in high school, blah blah blah.

But I was lazy, and didn't find out what I needed to do in time for the beginning of Summer 1, so I'm taking History II online. Which means I have about a month to finish the entire course by myself, and nothing is due until the 21st. But half of everything is due the 21st. So I could potentially procrastinate like none other, but I'm going to try not to. I still haven't finished the first chapter of the textbook.


3) Read.

I'm going to keep working on my "101 Great Books Recommended for College-Bound Readers" list over the summer, as I'm technically still "college-bound," and I'm sure it'll still be valuable even after I've been college-bound-and-gagged this fall.

I've kind of been on a utopian kick lately (Walden Two and 1984 rocked my brave new world), but a few friends of mine are starting a Jane Austen book club (inspired by the slightly entertaining movie by the same name), so Emma is next on my list. I've seen movies for all the books except for Northanger Abbey and Persuasion, but reading Pride and Prejudice after seeing the movie (even the 6-hour Colin Firth version) makes me think reading the books will still definitely be worthwhile.


I'm also going to get an amazing skin-cancer-inducing tan, visit every coffee shop in Texas, and stay up until 4 at least one night a week.

Oh, and on a side note, the Last.fm widget on the side there is going to be much more in sync with my actual music consumption now that I have a macbook and multiple ipods to update it with. Thank you, graduation moneys.

Does this qualify me for a vote at the Oscars?

Interesting trivia time. About two years ago I played a part in a no-budget, independent short film by my filmmaker and screenwriter friends Matt and Britton. As a disclaimer, I'm pretty sure I was only cast based on my availability for filming, as I have no talent or experience in acting (except a performance of Les Mis when I was 6 - I totally rocked as Cosette). My character is the seductive nymph who lures people into the woods to do her evil bidding. Maybe they didn't do such a bad job casting after all.


Flowers in the Wood


This is Episode I of III, and I'm pretty sure this is all that's been finished, even though we shot all of II and most of III. It's kind of disappointing, as I only have about a minute's worth of screen time in this episode, and all my scary, evil acting is in Episode III. Maybe a new episode will come out every three years like Star Wars. But probably not.

Ink'd. It's "knit" backwards. Minus the T. Plus a D.

Last night, instead of going to sleep early (or even on time) because I knew I had to leave the house at 7:30 in the morning, I designed my next tattoo. And by next, I mean first. And by first, I mean I'm probably never going to get it, but the design's there if I ever need it.



It's rough, and my drawing skills are grossly underdeveloped, but I kinda like it. Remember my grease monkey fantasy? Well I've also had a tattoo artist one for a long time too. Something about making art that is more or less permanent is so appealing to me. Any real tat artists want to clean it up and ink it on my arm?


I've been pretty uninspired in my fiber ventures since the weather's been warmer (I haven't knitted a stitch since spring break. shock.), but I did a little dyeing the other day.

What with? Why, easter egg dye of course. After easter, Walmart had five million little kits for 17 cents each, and I stocked up. Now not only do I have several dozen little egg holders, I also have brand-spanking-new pink yarn!



I used Cascade Ecological Wool, soaked in water for about an hour so the dye would take evenly, heated enough water to cover a skein in a huge canning vat, and added vinegar (about a cup), salt (a couple teaspoons), and 5 or 6 dye pellets.



I stirred it carefully (to avoid felting) until it started to boil, turned off the heat, and let it sit for several hours while I finished beating Guitar Hero III on Medium (still can't get past Slash on Hard). When I checked, the dye bath was totally clear, and the yarn was beautiful and vinegary-smelling.

I still have a ton of dye and bare yarn left, so I'm totally going to dye another day.


In other, less exciting, actually kind of sad news; my cat, Paige, has a tumor. He went under the knife the other day and they got a lot of it out and sent it to a lab to see if it's benign or not. We'll probably find out today or tomorrow. For now, he has a gnarly looking belly and we're feeding him mangosteen juice three times a day.

To avoid ending on a depressing note: I'm graduating in 42 days!

Spring Break!

Finally, after a horrific Anatomy exam with practical (uuuh, digging around inside a dead cat that early in the morning), I'm on my way to Florida to spend a week on the best beach I know of. Yeah, I'll be staying in a tiny condo with my entire family living in one room and a hallway (no bedrooms - just a bed that folds out of the wall. Yay for cheap apartment kitsch!), but I'll be outside most of the time anyway. I think this'll be the first time in years I've been down there when it's not Thanksgiving. We're driving, so I'm bringing tons of knitting and my spinning wheel. I'm also going to go yarn shop hopping while I'm there, so look for beach-inspired knits/fibers shortly.

A few things I've been working on whilst wasting valuable knit-blogging time with all these political/philosophical/photojournal posts:



Spirogyra from Knitty

I cast on for this one as soon as the new Knitty came out. It's just what I've been looking for in an armwarmer, and now I can continue being lazy and not make up my own.

I love so much about this pattern - the lace is simple and fast, the shaping is done with just a change in needle size, and it's pwetty.

I used Mericash solid that I bought ridiculously cheap at the Woolie Ewe's 5 am half price sale, and I'm kind of glad I didn't pay full price for it. It's a beautiful color and very soft, but it's a single, so it's already starting to get kind of fuzzy, and I predict it will pill with more use. That'll just give me an excuse to knit another pair in Alpaca Sox.



Mittens of my own design.

I knit three pairs of these in a week - they're fast, and they have a thumb gore that I spent quite some time trying to figure out with all kinds of fancy maths. And it makes me happy. I'm going to start selling these on etsy soon, so keep an eye out.


And sans pictures - my 2nd pair of Dashing for Kelsey, and a kind of organic-looking pair of blue mittens made from hand-sheared, hand-carded, handspun, and hand-dyed yarn I bought from a homestead farm in Waco (tons tons tons of vegetable matter... pain in the ass, organic or no).

Exploring the Infinite Abyss

Movies are so powerful. They combine multiple senses to affect you in more ways than you could imagine possible. As much as I like a good brain-dead comedy now and then, my favorite movies really make me feel.

Breakfast at Tiffany's makes me feel like it's okay to be as complicated or as uncomplicated as I need to be, and that there will always be someone there who understands and loves me for who I am.

Amelie makes me feel so indescribably happy and in love with life - it reminds me not to overlook the little details that really affect things for the better when you appreciate them.

Garden State teaches me to keep feeling. Yeah, there are things in life that hurt like hell, but pain is better than just being numb to everything. To quote Natalie Portman's character, Sam, "...it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got."

It is pretty much all we have. And what would it be without a little heartbreak now and then? How would anyone be able to appreciate the good times without the bad ones to compare them to? I think I remember reading in The Hiding Place (the story of a Jewish woman who survived the Holocaust and remained amazingly optimistic throughout the whole ordeal) something about how the people in the prison camp were thankful for the fleas constantly biting them, because the pain reminded them they were alive.

I've never had to deal with anything on the same level as the Holocaust, but I've definitely had ups and downs. In today's world, we're faced with the choice of being numb and never feeling anything; no joy, no sadness, no peace, no love; or feeling it all, with the happiness magnified by all the sadness you've experienced. I guess I'm thankful for the fleas, too.

Far too often I find myself joking about deep serious things; kind of glazing over the subject with sarcasm when I'm really just reluctant to show how affected I am by it. From my brief stint as a psychology student, I know that emotion = vulnerability. Which is really too bad, because it's hard to really be close to someone when you're always behind a shield of sarcastic remarks. But every now and then, someone like Sam comes along who makes you feel so safe and at home, and you just feel like telling them everything you feel and have ever felt. And it can change your life, if you let it.

Just having friends like that and being able to talk about everything important and meaningful doesn't solve everything - it may not even solve anything. But often, all you need is to find an outlet for everything building up inside your heart, good or bad. Sam, again, in her infinite wisdom says:

"...what do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between I laugh, and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good."

This is the only reasonable solution to existentialism I've found. Live to be alive. If you're like me, and believe in one huge, overwhelming reason for your existence, nothing else really matters and you just have to laugh the rest of it off.



So go out, rent these movies, buy some Shins albums, and laugh, cry, and care about something. But don't care too much about caring.

"Ahhh, conundrum!"

Death of a Snowman

1)

2)

3)

that's what you get for whistling in the elevator, Biff.

Snow.

Apathetic = Pathetic

I guess I'm a hippie at heart.

I secretly wish everyone would just get along with everyone else, and that we could have peace, love, legalized drugs... all that fun stuff.

But I'm also a realist. I know enough about the nature of man and of the world to accept that perfection is unattainable. It seems like humans are driven by one thing: power (money, fame, good looks, popularity - they're all different ways of obtaining it). And power, as we all have learned from every comic book villain in existence, leads to corruption.

"Oh, I want to build this ginormous laser to help people, to save lives..."

Sure, and get filthy rich and have sole control over the world's supply of potable water/oil/electricity/whatever...

I'm not interested in politics. Frankly, (and my apologies to any government worker who happens to have me on their blogroll) I think politics is a dirty, repulsive, backstabbing business, and can't imagine why people seem so eager to get involved in it.

I took PolySci. I hated it. But I did learn a few things (with little thanks to my professor or textbook).

Firstly, apathy is your worst enemy. Yeah, there's a chance your vote won't count for anything, let's be honest. If you're voting democratic in a solidly red state, you're not going to change the color, or even make purple. And independents? It almost seems like they're wasting their time (next post's rant: give proportional representation a chance!). But who knows what could happen if everyone who didn't vote because they thought their vote wouldn't count for anything decided to go to the polls?

According to the first legitimate-looking website I could find on Google, eligible voter turnout in 2004's November election was FIFTY-FREAKING-FIVE PERCENT. This number simultaneously scares, saddens, and astonishes me. Almost half of our eligible US population, for whatever reason, decided not to vote on who should run the country for the next four years. I can't understand it.

Government should be run by the people, for the people. Not by 55% of the people for 55% of the people. There are plenty of countries that have never been given the chance to have any input about who governs. There are also countries where the people are forced to vote, and there may only be one name on the ballot, or they know someone will come hurt them and their family if they vote the "wrong way". In the USA we have the right to vote - and we also have the right not to vote.

So no matter what your opinion (I really don't care - as long as you have one, and you don't try to shove it down my throat without politely listening to my point of view), if you don't act on it, it's worth absolutely nothing. Whether acting on it means voting (yay!), educating others about it (ahem, radical pro-lifers, how bout some sex-ed [abstinence-only doesn't count] instead of bombing abortion clinics?), or just living it (practice what you preach, actions speak louder than words, etc.), even if I blatantly disagree with you, I'll respect what you're doing.


I apologize for this brief digression from yarn, knitting, and other more knit-blog friendly subjects (i.e. pets and children... whew. if I have to read one more post about what someone's cat has to say about a certain brand of yarn, I'm going to lose my mind.), but I had to get it out there.