08.

I find it rather unfair that a busy schedule + many responsibilities/obligations leads to high levels of stress, which in turn lower the effectiveness of your immune system which increases the likelihood of getting sick, which causes intense levels of stress and even less time to get everything done which lowers your immune system further, and so on until you're a coffee-chugging zombie just barely dragging yourself from bed, to school, to work, and back to bed again.

I mean, really.

Stress should have good side effects. It shouldn't make you fat or anorexic, make it harder for you to sleep, or increase your risk of developing heart disease and mental disorder.

There's the elusive concept of "eustress," which is supposed to enhance performance and sharpen response to the stressor... but how often does that really occur?

I guess stress kind of has to be a downward spiral so you can't rely entirely on yourself - you need other people to help you out sometimes. In that case, I'm thankful for it. And even more thankful for those people who have been there for me lately while I'm dangerously close to losing my mind out of pure exhaustion.

I'm lucky.

Exploring the Infinite Abyss

Movies are so powerful. They combine multiple senses to affect you in more ways than you could imagine possible. As much as I like a good brain-dead comedy now and then, my favorite movies really make me feel.

Breakfast at Tiffany's makes me feel like it's okay to be as complicated or as uncomplicated as I need to be, and that there will always be someone there who understands and loves me for who I am.

Amelie makes me feel so indescribably happy and in love with life - it reminds me not to overlook the little details that really affect things for the better when you appreciate them.

Garden State teaches me to keep feeling. Yeah, there are things in life that hurt like hell, but pain is better than just being numb to everything. To quote Natalie Portman's character, Sam, "...it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got."

It is pretty much all we have. And what would it be without a little heartbreak now and then? How would anyone be able to appreciate the good times without the bad ones to compare them to? I think I remember reading in The Hiding Place (the story of a Jewish woman who survived the Holocaust and remained amazingly optimistic throughout the whole ordeal) something about how the people in the prison camp were thankful for the fleas constantly biting them, because the pain reminded them they were alive.

I've never had to deal with anything on the same level as the Holocaust, but I've definitely had ups and downs. In today's world, we're faced with the choice of being numb and never feeling anything; no joy, no sadness, no peace, no love; or feeling it all, with the happiness magnified by all the sadness you've experienced. I guess I'm thankful for the fleas, too.

Far too often I find myself joking about deep serious things; kind of glazing over the subject with sarcasm when I'm really just reluctant to show how affected I am by it. From my brief stint as a psychology student, I know that emotion = vulnerability. Which is really too bad, because it's hard to really be close to someone when you're always behind a shield of sarcastic remarks. But every now and then, someone like Sam comes along who makes you feel so safe and at home, and you just feel like telling them everything you feel and have ever felt. And it can change your life, if you let it.

Just having friends like that and being able to talk about everything important and meaningful doesn't solve everything - it may not even solve anything. But often, all you need is to find an outlet for everything building up inside your heart, good or bad. Sam, again, in her infinite wisdom says:

"...what do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between I laugh, and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good."

This is the only reasonable solution to existentialism I've found. Live to be alive. If you're like me, and believe in one huge, overwhelming reason for your existence, nothing else really matters and you just have to laugh the rest of it off.



So go out, rent these movies, buy some Shins albums, and laugh, cry, and care about something. But don't care too much about caring.

"Ahhh, conundrum!"

Apathetic = Pathetic

I guess I'm a hippie at heart.

I secretly wish everyone would just get along with everyone else, and that we could have peace, love, legalized drugs... all that fun stuff.

But I'm also a realist. I know enough about the nature of man and of the world to accept that perfection is unattainable. It seems like humans are driven by one thing: power (money, fame, good looks, popularity - they're all different ways of obtaining it). And power, as we all have learned from every comic book villain in existence, leads to corruption.

"Oh, I want to build this ginormous laser to help people, to save lives..."

Sure, and get filthy rich and have sole control over the world's supply of potable water/oil/electricity/whatever...

I'm not interested in politics. Frankly, (and my apologies to any government worker who happens to have me on their blogroll) I think politics is a dirty, repulsive, backstabbing business, and can't imagine why people seem so eager to get involved in it.

I took PolySci. I hated it. But I did learn a few things (with little thanks to my professor or textbook).

Firstly, apathy is your worst enemy. Yeah, there's a chance your vote won't count for anything, let's be honest. If you're voting democratic in a solidly red state, you're not going to change the color, or even make purple. And independents? It almost seems like they're wasting their time (next post's rant: give proportional representation a chance!). But who knows what could happen if everyone who didn't vote because they thought their vote wouldn't count for anything decided to go to the polls?

According to the first legitimate-looking website I could find on Google, eligible voter turnout in 2004's November election was FIFTY-FREAKING-FIVE PERCENT. This number simultaneously scares, saddens, and astonishes me. Almost half of our eligible US population, for whatever reason, decided not to vote on who should run the country for the next four years. I can't understand it.

Government should be run by the people, for the people. Not by 55% of the people for 55% of the people. There are plenty of countries that have never been given the chance to have any input about who governs. There are also countries where the people are forced to vote, and there may only be one name on the ballot, or they know someone will come hurt them and their family if they vote the "wrong way". In the USA we have the right to vote - and we also have the right not to vote.

So no matter what your opinion (I really don't care - as long as you have one, and you don't try to shove it down my throat without politely listening to my point of view), if you don't act on it, it's worth absolutely nothing. Whether acting on it means voting (yay!), educating others about it (ahem, radical pro-lifers, how bout some sex-ed [abstinence-only doesn't count] instead of bombing abortion clinics?), or just living it (practice what you preach, actions speak louder than words, etc.), even if I blatantly disagree with you, I'll respect what you're doing.


I apologize for this brief digression from yarn, knitting, and other more knit-blog friendly subjects (i.e. pets and children... whew. if I have to read one more post about what someone's cat has to say about a certain brand of yarn, I'm going to lose my mind.), but I had to get it out there.

Yarrrrn.

The sun finally came out tomorrow, and I snapped a few quick shots of my recent yarnapalooza.






I'm not terribly sure of the fiber content, because most of this was very graciously donated by the ladies of The Texas Twisters (aww :]), but I think L to R:

Black alpaca fingering weight, rose quartz alpaca/wool worsted, pink corrisdale wool DK/sport, gray alpaca/ wool worsted.

yayy, I'm a spinner!


Oh, and chalk up two new knitters: a random friend of my sister's learned to knit and purl purfectly in about a half hour (hate. hate.), and my dad's been knitting for a few weeks now, and got hit on by a stewardess when he pulled out his garter stitch dishcloth on the plane. Hehe.

I Don't Mind You Coming Here and Wasting All My Time

I just found out that one specific person (who I now realize I spend the majority of my unoccupied hours with) will be insanely busy with exams and research papers for the next two+ weeks, and won't be able to hang out. So I suddenly find my self with tons (from an LCA student's perspective) of free time. And perhaps an ounce of bitterness towards said person for putting all this off until now.

So the only way for me to hold on to my sanity and not lapse into a zombie-like state until Christmas break is to totally cram every spare moment with positive, productive, activities. And to motivate myself, further, I'm publishing my list of ideas so I can be held accountable in some ambiguous way. Here goes.

1) CLEAN/ORGANIZE
Damn it. I really really really don't want to. But it's kind of getting to the point where I can't set foot in my room without stepping on something weird and random (example from today: a little garter snake brought inside by Rio. Lovely). And I prefer knowing exactly what I'm going to be stepping on, if stepping on anything is even necessary. Plus, I'm probably only wearing a third of the wearable clothes I own. The rest are buried under piles of... stuff.

2) SPEND TIME WITH OTHER PEOPLE
I really wish I didn't have to put this on the list, but sadly, a lot of my good friends have kind of fallen by the wayside lately with all the homework/work-free time I have occupied by this one kid. And worse still, I've been purposefully avoiding one or two of my friends because of arguments that I don't have the energy to work through. Ugh. Still don't really have the willpower. I need to stop pretending it will go away on its own.

3) WATCH IMDB 250 MOVIES
Quad C's library is chock full of them, so I no longer have to dominate the Blockbuster queue and force my family to watch my weird indie movies. I do need to remember to take them back in time though. You can only have three out at a time for 2 days, and the late fee is $1 a day. Needless to say, I've already made a sizable donation to Quad C's new book fund. But still, it beats Blockbuster prices.

4) KNIT PROFUSELY
Um, duh. This one is combined very smoothly with #3, as long as I avoid mixing complicated patterns and foreign language films. Oh, and silent films. While wonderfully kitsch and charming, they are a bitch to knit to. Currently in the works (including projects I plan on making soon but haven't actually started): Pin-up Sweater from S'nB, Kittyville hat (with Hello Kitty modifications), way too many socks, and some yet-to-be-designed fingerless gloves.

5) BE ARTISTIC
I haven't touched my drawing pencils or paints in months. Shame on me. I'm a freaking art teacher at an art studio.

6) READ. ESPECIALLY SPYCATCHER.
I definitely need to stay faithful to my little Librivox, several-books-a-months venture. Also goes well with #4. So satisfying to be able to read (or have read to me, the idea is the same) snobby classic books and knit a sweater simultaneously. It makes the little over-achiever in me very smug. Oh, and the deadline for my horribly-boring, non-audio-book review is rapidly approaching, and I've read less than half of it.

7) EXERCISE
Yeah, I'm not sure if I'll ever get around to this one. Maybe a bit of yoga now and then. With a heavy focus on the meditation aspect.

We CAN Do It.

In fact, we did do it. And we're going to do it again.

By "it," I mean changing the oil in my lovely little Subaru Forrester, and by "we," I mean me.

This marks the second at-home oil change I've had a part in since I was accidentally taught how to change the power steering fluid by self-professed car expert, Whatshisname (quien quedará Numero Uno en mi listo de Ellos Quien No Me Gustan).

3 months/3,000 miles ago, I tried on my own for the first time to locate the oil filter and the little bolt that stops up the tank (that may not be the technical term), and succeeded without too much trouble. Brian was kind enough to show me where they weren't, so the only other filter-and-bolt-looking things had to be them.

I had a hell of a time getting the bolt unscrewed, so I called in some muscle in the form of my dad, but even he couldn't get the damn thing loose. Finally, with the help of an electric socket wrench drill thing (again, maybe not the technical term), the bolt flew off and oil poured out all over my arms, face, and hair. Gross. I made a mental note not to start an oil change when I have to go somewhere within a few hours.

I know I've told a few people jokingly that I'd like to grow up to be a grease monkey, but secretly (or not so much anymore) I've really always loved the idea of being the owner of the pair of coverall'd legs sticking out from under your car that you expect to belong to some guy named Earl with a three day beard and disgustingly dirty fingernails. But au contraire. The crawler rolls out from under your Chevy and a sexy, motor oil-covered Olivia comes into view. And I guess she does have dirty fingernails. But she just fixed your carburetor and replaced your catalytic converter.

So maybe that fantasy is a tad unrealistic (I don't envision living my entire life on a mechanic's salary), but I would like to be able to find my way around under the hood of my car with confidence. So far, I can easily change the tires, air filter, oil, and headlights on my Forrester. And I'm comfortable enough with the user's manual to change the spark plug if necessary. My next goal is converting a diesel to run on recycled vegetable oil. Si se puede.

But I digress. I did it this time completely without help. I did send my dad to AutoZone to get all the supplies (and most importantly, pay for them), but that detracts nothing from my feministic glory. The oil filter wrench I had from last time inexplicably decided to not work at all, so the car had to sit for a day until someone bought a rubber adjustable wrench, which is now near the top of my Best Things Ever list. Those things are amazing. They require absolutely zero effort to loosen/tighten anything (provided you can figure out how to work one of them), and they fit into tiny places.

So. In the future, this will probably be predominately a knitting blog, but rest assured that all the yarn-geekiness will be interspersed with rants and bitching like every good blog should be.