I'll let you borrow my four-leaf clover

things are going quite nicely. I'm feeling very accomplished.

I'm making a lot of progress on the things I really want to do. I'm also making a steady income, and saving a decent amount each week. I'm well on my way to moving out and being financially independent.

I've also done a lot of knitterly things in the past week or so. I had the honor of test knitting for the awesome leethal, and helped perfect her new pattern, the Skoodlet. You should definitely check it out - it's adorable and extremely clever. I don't know how I ever survived without it.

I also updated my etsy slightly (added a hat - that counts as an update), and plan on adding more soon. I got my amazing photographer of a sister to take some pictures for my shop and for ravelry... and I think we're going to have a great partnership from now on. I can take decent pictures if I really work at it, but I'm too lazy most of the time. Gibson has a great camera, so all her pictures turn out looking incredible. I <3 her.



Horizontal Ribbing Stripey Hat
for sale on etsy.



So You Think You Can Hat
raveled.


more later. happy weekend!

the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself

ladies and gentlemen, life is good again.

oh wait. I haven't written in a while, and you had no idea life wasn't so good for a week or so there. I'll explain.

I quit my job at Escape, and started my new one at Peet's. The new one that pays much, much, better. But I wasn't sure I was going to like it. I'm still not entirely convinced, but I'm getting there. They hired me as an opener, and one of the reasons I was hating my job at Escape was because I had to work so many morning shifts. But... and I never thought I'd see this day, but I've become a morning person. Not really by choice. Now I'm out like a light by 10 every night, and up at 7 or earlier every morning. This has been a little tough to get used to.

One of the worst parts was having a class from 5:30-6:45 that required way too much preperation and participaiton. The professor refused to lecture. Instead, she wanted to do this hippy, "interteaching" thing where you're required to read the entire chapter and basically write a detailed outline of it, then come to class and teach everyone in your small group what you wrote about. Screw that. I'm dropping that class today. I'm not going to spend 2+ hours before every class working on homework. I'm in college. I earned the right not to do that over four agonizing years of daily homework.

So now that class is out of the picture, and I'm instantly 100x happier. Now I have it pretty easy. All I have to do is come to class, take a few notes, write a paper ever now and then, and skim through my textbooks before an exam. Bliss.

And my history professor consistently impresses me. I actually enjoy coming to class every morning. His lectures last 30 minutes (and the class is supposed to be an hour and 15 minutes long), and while you have to be pretty on the ball with notetaking to get everything down, he teaches the material in a way that sticks, and lets you know exactly what to expect for the test. He wins. I'm going to give him a pretty amazing review on RateMyProfessors.com at the end of the semester.

But back to me being a morning person. It definitely puts a little stress on certain relationships - I'll try to hang out with friends or the boyfriend after 9, and I'll end up falling asleep doing whatever we're doing. Movies are rough. I sleep through them all. Then I feel like shit when I wake up, and barely have the energy to drive myself home and crawl into bed. But I'm going to find a way to fix that. Naps might be the answer. Or maybe I'll give polyphasic sleeping a shot.

But everything else is quite nice. I feel like I'm going to have time and energy during the day to do all the things I've been depressed about not being able to do. I've been knitting a bit, and I'll get some pictures of my projects on here soon. I got back my joie de vivre.

you've made it through the direst of straights, alright.

it's over.

actually, not quite, I have one last final tomorrow at 11:30, but I'm not worried/don't care. it's going to be breezy. and then it will be done.

last night, while sitting at the bar of my (2nd) favorite coffee shop, it hit me that I had nothing to work on - no tests to study for, no papers to write, no symptoms of depressive or manic episodes to memorize... it was a weird feeling.

it's like the world is brand new, and I finally get to go enjoy it. freedom is so beautiful.

I'm so inspired - coffee tastes better, the air smells crisper, the sun is brighter... I want to draw, paint, build, create.


hopefully within the next few days I'll get around to photographing some of the projects I've done in Design this semester... and then do some more from my own inspiration.

okay, bye. ❤

17.

So for the Life Script project I've been working quite dutifully on today, yesterday, and the day before, I am required to list things that make me happy. And once I got started, I couldn't stop.

1. life.
2. drinking very good, snobby coffee slowly; savoring the flavor and trying to pick out all the different notes and nuances.
3. listening to music - shallow, feel-good 80's rock, and deep, insightful indie. both do it for me.
4. having something to believe in.
5. making really good coffee for people at work and having them really appreciate it.
6. taking time to relax; do nothing, without worrying about responsibilities and deadlines.
7. naps.
8. being clean and having hair that smells good.
9. driving fast when I'm not really in a hurry.
10. little kids that get ridiculously excited when they're about to eat their doughnuts.
11. long, warm, sincere hugs.
12. soft, slow kisses.
13. learning.
14. laughing.
15. caffeine.
16. lying in the grass with the sun on my face. as long as there are no bugs.
17. making fun of other people's ugly sunglasses. even though mine are ridiculous too.
18. knitting. especially with soft alpaca yarn.
19. giving presents.
20. getting presents.
21. dumping my piggy bank into the Coinstar machine and getting $100 or so out.
22. watching beautiful movies.
23. finding people to have "ohmigosh - you too?" moments with. kindred spirits.
24. this is a cheap one, but getting A's.
25. eating tons of chocolate chip cookies without thinking about how many calories are in each.
26. getting "good morning :)" text messages at the beginning of long days at work.
27. freedom.
28. moments of absolute peace and clarity (haven't had one of those in a while).
29. cute boys that make your knees weak and your stomach fluttery and your hands shaky.
30. thinking about all the things I could to with my future.
31. remembering happy things from my past.
32. bossing people around.
33. my wonderful, wonderful MacBook.
34. making lists that I can check things off of right away.
35. taking pictures - more so, looking through old pictures I've taken.
36. being different.
38. being liked for just being me - and feeling safe enough to be honest about who I am.
39. having interesting bruises or other wounds to show off to people. weird, yes.
40. my bestie.
41. my favorite barista. (these last two really should be closer to the top of the list)
42. cool librarians!
43. taking advantage of free things.
44. figuring things out. or getting close.
45. simplicity.
46. beating boys at video games.
47. taking everything out of my purse, cleaning it, and putting everything back in.
48. anything sugary, chocolatey, or otherwise sweet, really. I'm honestly not that discriminating.
49. speaking spanish! or trying to speak any other foreign language.
50. sneezing, when I'm not sick and don't have allergies. another weird one.
51. shocking people who don't know me that well with uncharacteristically filthy remarks.
52. ending sentences with commas, (it keeps people guessing, and,
53. stretching. all yoga-like.
54. working hard - physically or mentally - and getting rewarded for it (even if it's just a good feeling that comes from helping people out who appreciate and deserve it).
55. identifying my imperfections and coming to terms with them.
56. letting go of people in my life who do nothing but drag me down every time I talk to them.
57. replacing those people with new people who inspire me.
58. traveling without a strict plan or schedule... road trips.
59. making subtle references to song lyrics and having other people get it and respond with more lyrics.
60. screaming, sometimes.
61. shoes. oh dear Lord.
62. dressing nice. wearing a dress, heels; possibly stockings?
63. drinking just a teeeensy bit of wine.
64. doing stupid things with my guy friends. they're the best.
65. having long, insightful conversations with people who are trying to understand life, just like I am. not people who think they already know all there is to know about life and just want to make you see it their way.
66. andy samberg.
67. pomegranate juice.
68. people with accents. not southern, though. okay, sometimes.
69. being comfortable. this is a big one.
70. changing people's perspectives.
71. laughing at my own stupidity.
72. writing long essays single-spaced, then changing it to double space and having twice as many pages done.
73. leather couches.
74. camping out in the backyard - close enough to the house to be able to come inside if it gets too cold/too outdoorsy.
75. living.

15.

Oh my. Sleep is good. I suggest you go get some immediately.

I did. And my outlook on life has improved drastically.

I don't actually have any less stress, any more time. But my body says thank you. It also says "quit eating free doughnuts and ruining your kidneys with all that coffee."

But mostly "thanks for the sleep."

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

judging by your smile, you are holding something back

It's 4:15 AM.

I'm sure there are plenty of morning people, people with long commutes, polyphasic sleepers, coffee/doughnut shop workers, Walmart employees, and Good Morning America hosts who are just waking up; getting ready to start their days.

I'm still trying to get to sleep. Not really trying anymore, obviously. Briefly giving up with the hopes that sudden, uncontrollably narcolepsy will hit me while I'm typing.

I guess I could be revving up for NaBloPoMo in November. I seriously considered doing that last year, but I suspect that deep down in my psyche there's something that rebels against me forming positive habits, and subconsciously forces me to skip a day - just to weaken my resolve. And I'm just not the type of person to feel guilty about that kind of thing. Probably why I've never stuck to a diet or exercise plan for more than 2 days. Really hope my metabolism is still this fast when I'm 30.


Why am I still awake? It could be because of the massive amounts of coffee I drank today. Don't even want to start figuring out the milligrams of caffeine. But it never had any effect (affect? Mrs. Rice would know.) on me whatsoever at 10 this morning when I desperately needed it... no sleep last night either. There's this mosquito (but there must be more than one, because I caught one in midair and squashed it with a vengeance about 4 hours ago) that must be invisible and the size of a small dog that flies around my head pretty much constantly every night. It's the loudest thing I've heard in my life. And I have about 500 bites all over my body, because it somehow can bite through my comforter when it gets tired of biting my exposed arms and feet. Good Lord. I'm mystified.

But! I found a way to at least tune out the sound (even though I still know it's there and biting, and it haunts me) - brilliant iPhone app aSleep. Plays ambient sounds through your headphones to block out mosquito noises. Probably good for studying in distracting places or doing yoga, too. Best 99 pennies I ever spent.

Another possible reason for this insomnia - the weird, 4 hour nap I took today. I started out feeling like my body was probably about to give up and die after being sick for 9 days (I'll discuss that momentarily), and woke up feeling significantly more hopeful, but physically the same. Weird feeling - being happy and feeling like shit at the same time. I don't recommend it.

On being sick: it sucks. But it has been extremely interesting noticing the changes in my mental processes (psych geek =])over the course of the last 9 days (minus Thursday - I was actually feeling pretty decent then). I hopped back and forth between wanting sympathy and telling myself to suck it up sooo many times, and there was a point when I seriously wanted to exact severe physical revenge on whichever poor soul it was who came to school while sick and infected me. Sometimes I wasn't thinking at all - that's hard to do if you're trying. And then there was today, when I was tired of taking drugs and feeling slightly better for a few hours just to crash back into feeling horrible...

Tylenol PM used to be my best friend. Now, thanks to a horrific series of nightmares, I don't think I'll ever have the courage to take it again.


Buh. I should try to sleep again. I have a paper to write tomorrow, and possibly a doctor's appointment. And a babysitting job I'm going to cancel.

But you can't deny that this was a beautiful glimpse at the kind of things that run around in my head when I don't direct my thoughts in one way or another. And that was the censored version.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life... and I'm feelin good.

You guys were so right.

Blocking the hell out of that mitten made it absolutely beautiful. I should never have doubted one of the most basic of the ancient rites of Needlecraftery. I'm sorry. And I definitely haven't taken an after picture, nor have I photo'd the other projects I've been working on. Just trust me - they're all incredible, as usual.


Speaking of incredible.

My many hours spent choosing professors and organizing my schedule have not left me disappointed. Though not actually incredible, thanks to various unrelated, outside factors, my classes have been very promising so far.

Psych of Personality/Abnormal Psych - THANK YOU, RateMyProfessors.com. I took a big risk taking the same guy for two classes, but I'm not sorry. He's so laid-back and casual, but at the same time has a deep sense of professionalism and serious control of the classroom. Annnd he knows my name and looks deep into my eyes - almost into my soul - when I'm talking...

ahem.

And of course there's the obligatory bitch who insists on letting everyone know exactly how disgusting she thinks people with tattoos and piercings are and "lyke, omg, they're so nasty, I don't even knooooowww how anyone could dooo anything like that to their bodies and they must be totally messed up and psychotic to put poison in their bloodstream and mutilate themselves and ZZOOOMG! girl next to me, is that a nose ring??? omigod, what were you thinking, do you really just hate your body that much that you would mistreat it like that??"

On a good day, I want to strangle her. On a day like today, I had to flip her off with both hands under the desk. Hon, we all have our own opinions, and a debate (though on a completely unrelated subject) is actually a great and appropriate time to voice them, but if you happen to be blonde and stupid and have a abnormally squeaky voice, don't sit next to someone with a fever and massive sinus congestion and expect to live.

But, lo; the wonderful Professor L. is quick to get the discussion back on track without offending anyone or allowing any violent fights to break out. Yayy :)


Intermediate Spanish I - interesting class, with a good number of what I presume are "continuing education" students, ages 40-75, and kids who took Beginning Spanish II from the same prof. last semester. La Maestra is rather eccentric, consistently 10-15 minutes late, and tends to mostly call on her pet students from previous classes (I suspect it's because theirs are the only names she can remember). Normally, all these things would seriously annoy me in a professor, but for some reason I don't mind them coming from her. Maybe it's because she's hilarious. Or maybe it's because the only time she did call on me, she gave me a huge ego-boosting complement on my accent.


2-D Design - Ahh. This class awakens the long-dormant artist inside my soul. The first time I walked into the room I gave a huge, involuntary sigh and got a beautiful feeling of everything being right with the world. Artgasam.

The lighting is amazing, the ceilings are high, the tables are rotating, the chairs are comfy - in short, the room alone is the polar opposite of the prison-like image I usually associate with school and academia. The instructor is shockingly young, and probably in her first or second year of teaching. She's only given one lecture so far, so I can't form much of an opinion on how qualified she is, but at least her slight drawl (which normally realllly irratates me - a side effect of growing up with some hardcore rednecks in rural Alabama, I guess?) is more endearning than annoying.

Most importantly, it's giving me some time to actually sit down and create something. I'll be honest - spending two and a half hours in the same class is rather tough, but I've only had to actually stay the whole duration once. I had already finished my project when I came to class today, so I just drew penguins and owls for about an hour, until Teach came over to look at my progress and told me I could go if I was quiet and didn't let anyone see me leave :)


So my education is progressing quite nicely, and I usually get to see a friendly face in or on the way to every class. It's pretty wonderful. Not seeing a whole lot of opportunity for in-class knitting, but I may be able to work something out with my Psych professor.

When I look back now, that summer seemed to last forever.

Ohh, summer, I'm going to be sad to see you go.

Not that it was particularly relaxing as it has been in years past - I worked a bit more than I was used to and had to survive without my boss for over a month. But the overwhelming theme was freedom, just like every summer's should be.

It has been truly beautiful - kind of like a song by Wheat, The Shins, or Sondre Lerche (don't know what I mean? please, please, let me make you a mix CD immediately). Doesn't really make that much sense when you try to analyze it, but look at it in a dreamy, detached state of mind, and it's perfectly clear. I guess it helps that I've been in that state of mind the entire summer.

I'm tempted to continue that train of thought and turn this into a deep, intro/retro/ultra-spective monologue, but I've really said it all right there. Simple, sweet, and sublime.

School starts a week from tomorrow. I definitely spent $600 on textbooks this afternoon, which is about $200 more than I spent on tuition. Love college.

I'm a tad trepidated (< not a real word) about taking four classes in a semester after my freakishly easy senior year, but I think I'll be okay. I have two psych classes, both with the same highly-rated professor (8 chili peppers on ratemyprofessors.com), a Spanish class I could have easily CLEP'd but decided to take so I don't forget everything I've learned by skipping a semester, and a 3-hour design class that looks promising, if a bit inconvenient.


Tomorrow is my last day of work for an unspecified period of time - summer classes have ended, and the fall schedule conflicts with my school schedule, so I'm only coming in every month or so for holiday specials. I'm definitely going to miss it - I've been doing this for three years now, and making way more money than I ever possibly could have been elsewhere. It's probably time to move on though. The Purple Crayon is looking at its final days if no one buys the business - my boss has been ready to retire for years now.

In very exciting news, my mom randomly stumbled across an amazing deal on a kiln on Craig's List the other day, and after I went down to Dallas to inspect it, she snapped it up. I'm no kiln expert (I've been burned on them enough times that I should be, however), but it looks beautiful and is going to be able to do whatever I need it to in the way of high-firing. I have to figure out how to use cones until I can afford a pyrometer, but that's just old-school and cool anyway.


Knitters - if you made it through all that non-yarn-related content without your eyes glazing over, I commend you. Here's some relief:



This is the first of the Chevaliers I was talking about. Ugh. See the weird, stretched out stitches? I'll have a block party tomorrow and see if I can fix those. Also, if my hand looks weird, it's because that's a right-hand mitten on my left hand. Too hard to take the picture otherwise :)

Annd. I don't know how I missed out on the first round, but I'm crazy excited for Hat Attack 2! I'm actually swatching (OH em gee) because I'm not sure I feel like spending $20 on the suggested yarn (I'm sorry, I mean weapon). My dream of being a knitting assassin has finally come to fruition.

@#)%#$#! Cables.

I'm working on Chevalier Mittens, and it could just be a random bout of perfectionism, but I feel like my cables are looking like craaaaap. I had always heard cabling without a cable needle made them neater - less stretching of the stitches - but I think it may actually look worse than when I use one.

I'm knitting with Paton's Classic Merino and size 6 dpns - wrong gauge, maybe?

I'll take before and after blocking pictures to see if that helps any.


Also. I'm super excited about Twist Collective. A gazillion of my favorite designers have patterns on (in?) it, and I'm probably going to spend every dollar I have buying them and their yarns.

Annd that's all I have time for.

Exploring the Infinite Abyss

Movies are so powerful. They combine multiple senses to affect you in more ways than you could imagine possible. As much as I like a good brain-dead comedy now and then, my favorite movies really make me feel.

Breakfast at Tiffany's makes me feel like it's okay to be as complicated or as uncomplicated as I need to be, and that there will always be someone there who understands and loves me for who I am.

Amelie makes me feel so indescribably happy and in love with life - it reminds me not to overlook the little details that really affect things for the better when you appreciate them.

Garden State teaches me to keep feeling. Yeah, there are things in life that hurt like hell, but pain is better than just being numb to everything. To quote Natalie Portman's character, Sam, "...it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got."

It is pretty much all we have. And what would it be without a little heartbreak now and then? How would anyone be able to appreciate the good times without the bad ones to compare them to? I think I remember reading in The Hiding Place (the story of a Jewish woman who survived the Holocaust and remained amazingly optimistic throughout the whole ordeal) something about how the people in the prison camp were thankful for the fleas constantly biting them, because the pain reminded them they were alive.

I've never had to deal with anything on the same level as the Holocaust, but I've definitely had ups and downs. In today's world, we're faced with the choice of being numb and never feeling anything; no joy, no sadness, no peace, no love; or feeling it all, with the happiness magnified by all the sadness you've experienced. I guess I'm thankful for the fleas, too.

Far too often I find myself joking about deep serious things; kind of glazing over the subject with sarcasm when I'm really just reluctant to show how affected I am by it. From my brief stint as a psychology student, I know that emotion = vulnerability. Which is really too bad, because it's hard to really be close to someone when you're always behind a shield of sarcastic remarks. But every now and then, someone like Sam comes along who makes you feel so safe and at home, and you just feel like telling them everything you feel and have ever felt. And it can change your life, if you let it.

Just having friends like that and being able to talk about everything important and meaningful doesn't solve everything - it may not even solve anything. But often, all you need is to find an outlet for everything building up inside your heart, good or bad. Sam, again, in her infinite wisdom says:

"...what do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between I laugh, and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good."

This is the only reasonable solution to existentialism I've found. Live to be alive. If you're like me, and believe in one huge, overwhelming reason for your existence, nothing else really matters and you just have to laugh the rest of it off.



So go out, rent these movies, buy some Shins albums, and laugh, cry, and care about something. But don't care too much about caring.

"Ahhh, conundrum!"

Snow.

Smile Like You Mean It

Things that made me smile this week:

1) At work, suddenly hearing an adorable 3-year old's loud rendition of "Happy Birthday to You" coming from the bathroom. Apparently my boss told her that to make sure your hands are really clean, one must wash them for as long as it takes to sing Happy Birthday. Holy freaking crap, that's cute.

2) Watching the dog set off mouse traps with his tail. Hehehe.

Things that did not make me smile:

1) Finishing my book for government and realizing I had no recollection of what I had just read. Oops.

2) Wearing 3" heels. Fell and twisted my foot and got a lovely bruise on my rear.

3) Re-knitting Greenery and slowly having to come to terms with the fact that I was knitting a ranch house in Argentina, and not a hat. Is there no happy medium between tiny and gargantuan?


I have been doing my part in spreading the knitting gospel. I encouraged Gibby to become re-obsessed with yarn, and she has turned out a couple hats already this month, and got one of her friends started on a scarf. I also re-taught one of my fellow librarians the garter stitch, and hopefully piqued the interest of another, who promised to bring yarn and needles next week. Even the boy asked to try a stitch or two, but as I was knitting a ridiculously tight-gauged sock in black fuzzy alpaca at the time, I told him to wait until I had something easier for him to practice on. I really regret missing that golden opportunity, but hopefully he'll be interested again later.

Oh, almost neglected the most surprising of new converts. My darling father, in an effort to give one of his coworkers something to do with his hands besides noisily smush his water bottle, asked if I could teach him the basics so he could teach his friend in turn. Too good to be true.

Men are strange animals. Whenever you ask them if they'd like to learn to knit, they either make some comment about how it's girly (the stupid ones), or say something like "I have you to knit me anything I could want" (the smart ones [i.e. Darien]). But recent developments have shown that despite their protestations, the act of pulling yarn through loops to make a fabric is absolutely fascinating to them. And luckily for them, watching guys knit is absolutely fascinating (and, good God, man, sexy) to women. Better than a dog any day.

We CAN Do It.

In fact, we did do it. And we're going to do it again.

By "it," I mean changing the oil in my lovely little Subaru Forrester, and by "we," I mean me.

This marks the second at-home oil change I've had a part in since I was accidentally taught how to change the power steering fluid by self-professed car expert, Whatshisname (quien quedará Numero Uno en mi listo de Ellos Quien No Me Gustan).

3 months/3,000 miles ago, I tried on my own for the first time to locate the oil filter and the little bolt that stops up the tank (that may not be the technical term), and succeeded without too much trouble. Brian was kind enough to show me where they weren't, so the only other filter-and-bolt-looking things had to be them.

I had a hell of a time getting the bolt unscrewed, so I called in some muscle in the form of my dad, but even he couldn't get the damn thing loose. Finally, with the help of an electric socket wrench drill thing (again, maybe not the technical term), the bolt flew off and oil poured out all over my arms, face, and hair. Gross. I made a mental note not to start an oil change when I have to go somewhere within a few hours.

I know I've told a few people jokingly that I'd like to grow up to be a grease monkey, but secretly (or not so much anymore) I've really always loved the idea of being the owner of the pair of coverall'd legs sticking out from under your car that you expect to belong to some guy named Earl with a three day beard and disgustingly dirty fingernails. But au contraire. The crawler rolls out from under your Chevy and a sexy, motor oil-covered Olivia comes into view. And I guess she does have dirty fingernails. But she just fixed your carburetor and replaced your catalytic converter.

So maybe that fantasy is a tad unrealistic (I don't envision living my entire life on a mechanic's salary), but I would like to be able to find my way around under the hood of my car with confidence. So far, I can easily change the tires, air filter, oil, and headlights on my Forrester. And I'm comfortable enough with the user's manual to change the spark plug if necessary. My next goal is converting a diesel to run on recycled vegetable oil. Si se puede.

But I digress. I did it this time completely without help. I did send my dad to AutoZone to get all the supplies (and most importantly, pay for them), but that detracts nothing from my feministic glory. The oil filter wrench I had from last time inexplicably decided to not work at all, so the car had to sit for a day until someone bought a rubber adjustable wrench, which is now near the top of my Best Things Ever list. Those things are amazing. They require absolutely zero effort to loosen/tighten anything (provided you can figure out how to work one of them), and they fit into tiny places.

So. In the future, this will probably be predominately a knitting blog, but rest assured that all the yarn-geekiness will be interspersed with rants and bitching like every good blog should be.